


The Lies of Light Yagami

by kildeer



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Behind the Scenes, Complete, Death Note - Freeform, Detectives, F/M, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Japan, L just wants to hit that, L/Light - Freeform, Light is a bastard and a tragedy, M/M, Manga & Anime, Psychology, Shameless Smut, Shinigami, Smut, Surveillance, Voyeurism, Watari's no fool, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:37:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 37,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5858215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kildeer/pseuds/kildeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re pretty good Light, but I don’t see how you could hurt someone more with love than with death.”</p><p>It was Light’s turn to smile as he leaned back in his chair.</p><p>“Well then Ryuk, prepare yourself for a good show.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introductions

December 5, 2003

The nightmares had finally stopped. Light supposed that murder was like anything else. After a while you got used to it. _Justice,_ he reminded himself, _not murder._ Light thought with pity of the boy he used to be, the boy who had lain awake all night consumed with terror and guilt. It was the greatest sacrifice he had ever made, offering up his innocence, his soul, to the dream of a better world, and his suffering had not been in vain. The people he was fighting for were beginning to realize that hope had finally arrived. Poor communities living under the yoke of dictators and corrupt politicians, women living in fear of abusive husbands, families who had watched the justice system fail them as the criminal who destroyed their lives got a reduced sentence, their prayers were being answered. And today they had given their savior a name.

Kira.

Although it wasn’t the name he would have chosen Light felt it healing something within him, forming an invisible armor to protect him and keep him strong. The world was so much bigger than the bedroom where he sat in front of his computer, than the neighborhood, than the town he lived in, and he was connected to it now. To all of them. _I’m going to save you._

And L, whoever he was, was not going to stop him.

Light disliked the fact that L had gotten the better of him that night, had managed to narrow down Kira’s location and even caught a glimpse of how his power worked. In hindsight the trick was obvious. Light defended himself by reasoning that it was only natural for him to assume that L would be stupid enough to show himself on TV given the stupidity of previous efforts to investigate Kira. How was he supposed to know that a worthy opponent had finally emerged to challenge him?  


Ryuk was hanging upside down from the ceiling in a far corner of the room eating an apple and looking menacingly insouciant. Ignoring him, Light lay back on his bed with his hands clasped behind his head and dreamt of a new world.

~

January 8, 2004

It was all about context and assumption. "Presumed innocent until proven guilty" was the politically correct motto, but any police officer or detective would tell you that in order to solve a case it was often necessary to do the opposite. 

L pushed the sharp end of a wooden skewer through the middle of a large pink marshmallow while Watari bustled around the room in his calm way, setting up the monitors that would display the footage from Chief Yagami’s house. L was sitting in a large cream-colored armchair in front of a coffee table which was covered in an assortment of snacks and tea things, along with his file on the Yagami household. 

He had instructed Watari to set up the monitors for Takimura’s house first, allowing Aizawa and the others to begin the surveillance and get out of his hair. Takimura himself did not in any way fit the profile of Kira which had been gradually shaping itself in L’s mind, and L hadn’t spotted any of the usual red flags in his file. His children were eight and ten; the files he had on them did not indicate any special intelligence or peculiar behavior. Takimura’s wife on the other hand had been politically radical in college and seemed to have the vaguely dissatisfied air of a woman who had settled. In any case she was worth a closer look.

Soichiro Yagami and his wife didn’t fit the profile either and their daughter Sayu seemed well-adjusted enough. Their seventeen-year-old son Light Yagami, on the other hand, piqued L’s interest for a number of reasons.

There was a faint electrical hum as the monitors stacked in front of him blinked to life. The marshmallow on L’s skewer had been joined by three others, along with a variety of candied fruit slices. He bit into a blue marshmallow and scanned the screens. There was a fair amount of hidden cameras in the other two bedrooms but by far the most covered room in the house was Light’s. 

L had examined every report card Light had ever received and his grades were immaculate. He had been an accomplished athlete and was looking to enter a prestigious university with the intention of becoming a police officer. He had not yet arrived home from school and looking at his bedroom L was immediately struck by how clean it was. It was not the room of an average teenage boy, or even the room of a teenage boy who had made an obligatory effort to be tidy in order to please his parents. It was the room of a very specific type of adult. Spotless, functional, and meticulous in every detail, there were no posters on the walls, no artwork, no photographs, no toys, trinkets, or mementos. There was a bed with a plain cover, full bookshelves which were set into the wall on either side of the bed, a sliding-door closet with a simple full-length mirror hanging next to it, and a desk carefully arranged with a laptop, a lamp, and various office supplies. It was the room of someone who exercised a staggering amount of control and discipline over themselves and their environment.

There were quiet footsteps behind L as Chief Yagami entered the room. His face was impassive and his manner calm, but his posture, his clenched hands, and the line of his mouth told L how unhappy he was with the surveillance. He walked behind L and sat down on a matching chair next to his, his back perfectly straight, his hands on his knees, and took a deep breath as he faced the monitors. 

The most conspicuous thing missing from Light’s files and from his father’s talk of him was a social life. Aside from sports and student government Light didn’t seem to have any extracurricular interests and was said to associate with others his own age infrequently and only on weekends. _A boy like that would be isolated,_ L mused, _beyond the intellect of his peers, disdainful of their carelessness, more concerned with how he is perceived by adults than by those his own age._

The front door of the house opened, catching their eyes, and Light Yagami entered. His mother was in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner and his sister was upstairs in her room talking to someone on her cell phone. Light called a greeting to his mother from the hallway and proceeded up to his room. As he approached his bedroom door Light’s posture stiffened visibly and L leaned forward, his knees pulled up to his chest. After studying the door for a moment Light bent down and removed a small scrap of paper from where it was held in place by the closed door. Soichiro fidgeted nervously.

“I didn’t know he went to such lengths,” he said in his low, quiet voice.

L watched Light enter his bedroom.

“I wouldn’t say that it’s unusual for a boy his age,” said L calmly.

If he assumed that Light was innocent, the scrap of paper would mean nothing, would prove nothing beyond the fact that Light cared about his privacy like any other teenage boy. However, if L viewed Light in the context of being Kira, different details came into focus. Light Yagami was far too intelligent and careful to be satisfied with such a simple and obvious trap. L had insisted that Watari install the cameras in the second floor of Yagami’s house, telling the task force that the process would go more quickly if they divided their efforts. The real reason of course was so that Watari could examine Light’s door and bedroom, then report any relevant findings to L alone. A second trap had been detected quickly, a single thin stick of mechanical pencil lead resting on the top hinge of the door. Watari had dutifully opened the door, letting the lead break and fall to the carpet. L had found that guilty people revealed more about themselves when they knew they were being watched.

Light was moving calmly around his room, hanging up his coat in the closet, depositing his school bag on the floor next to his desk. L’s hands were resting on his drawn-up knees and his fingers flexed involuntarily as a familiar sense of excitement began to grow inside of him.


	2. Night Vision

January 12, 2004

The fifth day of surveillance was coming to an end and Chief Yagami was as happy as L had ever seen him. The other members of the task force were in similar spirits. Criminals shown on the news that evening had been killed almost immediately by Kira while Light Yagami was in his room doing his math homework. L had made a half-hearted effort to offer an alternative viewpoint but he knew that they weren’t in the mood to listen. None of them had been comfortable with the illegality of the surveillance in the first place and were already speculating on when and how they could remove the cameras. 

Far from being assuaged, L’s suspicion of Light had only intensified. Beneath the world in which people went to work, drank coffee, watched TV and lived their lives was another world, a hidden layer. It was the world of secrets, of malice, of small rooms where grim preparations were made in the darkest hours of the night. If you spent enough time studying this subtle place you learned how to see it in people. Killers lived there, along with those who hunted them. It was something he had never been able to adequately put into words, a detective’s intuition. L couldn’t prove it but he knew that Light was aware of the cameras and microphones, had been aware since the moment he’d set foot in the house the day they were installed. When L watched Light he felt as though he were watching a showman; it was the way he placed his napkin in his lap at meals, the deft movements as he handled his school books and papers, as though he was willing himself to never let the audience see him make a mistake. 

Then of course there were the reckless flourishes of his performance, the moments that made L’s heart beat faster as he struggled not to react. The task force had instructed all of the major television networks to run a fake update about the Kira investigation at a time when both households were watching TV, to see how their subjects would react. It had been L’s first real test to gauge what he was dealing with in Light and the boy did not disappoint. Rather than choosing one of the many safe, neutral reactions that were available to him, Light had not only pointed out that the update was obviously fake, but had gone one step further by “predicting” Kira’s reaction to it.

The first day the cameras were installed, after Light had come home and dropped off his school bag, he’d gone back out and returned a few minutes later with a discreet brown paper bag from which he produced three mildly pornographic magazines. Soichiro had nearly fallen out of his chair, his face going red as he forced himself to watch. L had reassured him, again, that it was normal behavior for a teenage boy, but privately he was fighting an intense battle to keep himself from grinning incredulously. Light Yagami was lying across his bed on his stomach, fully clothed, his legs crossed elegantly at the ankle, looking at photographs of naked women as though they were geometry proofs. _No,_ L had thought to himself, _I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him get more excited over geometry proofs._ Light’s act was so obvious that L felt embarrassed for Chief Yagami, although he was somewhat grateful that Light had failed to behave like a normal teenage boy. Soichiro had looked as though he would suffer some kind of breakdown if he found out that his son masturbated.

But that was all forgotten now; the thought that his son might not be Kira seemed to have wiped every other concern from the Chief’s mind. When his family had gone to bed he even excused himself to go get some sleep, a respite which had always been on offer but which he had never taken advantage of.

L remained in the dark hotel room in front of the monitors sipping a cup of tea and watching. On the other side of the room Watari was sitting at a small table working, his fingers moving over the keys of his laptop.

Light slept in total darkness so the details of his room were currently highlighted a cloudy acid green color by the cameras’ automatic night vision. One of the cameras was positioned on a shelf behind his headboard allowing L to look down the length of Light’s bed from a height of about two feet. Another was amongst his desk items and gave L his profile as he lay on his back. Another was set in the ceiling directly above him and L watched as Light’s legs moved restlessly beneath his blankets. The boy couldn’t seem to get comfortable, shifting his position every other minute to lay on one side then the other, on his back, and finally on his stomach. He was still for a while, just long enough for L to wonder if he had finally fallen asleep, before Light started moving his hips. The movement was so slow and subtle that it took L a moment to realize what Light was doing. Light pushed aside his pillow, putting his palms and the side of his face directly on the mattress as he slowly rocked his hips. 

L put down his teacup, listening for any interruption in the clicking of Watari’s computer keys behind him. Light rolled over onto his back and L guessed from the way he was moving under the blankets that he was pulling down his pajama pants and underwear. L leaned forward slightly, expecting to see furtive hand movements under the blankets and wondering if it might be a ruse to disguise a different act entirely. Light, seeming to sense his thought, threw off the blankets. L was taken by surprise and couldn’t deny a vague thrill as he saw Light’s exposed body, slim and white-green on the monitors, his long legs and the erect penis between them. L discreetly retrieved a nearby remote control and muted the audio.

Light pulled at himself idly for a moment then grabbed his pillow and rolled over onto his stomach so that the pillow was between him and the mattress. Light slid his erection underneath the pillow and lay forwards to wrap his arms around it as though it were a body. Light’s head was bent down onto the mattress and L watched his smooth straight hair fall forward, watched the lean muscles of his shoulders and back and arms. His torso tapered to a narrow waist and pale round buttocks, his slim hips rocking as he moved his erection in and out between pillow and mattress. 

Watari still had not looked up to notice what was happening on the monitors, or if he had he was supremely unconcerned by it because he never paused in his typing. L wished he could boast a similar detachment. _I can’t deny that my job has its perks,_ he thought as he watched the naked teenager from a dozen angles. He regretted the fact that he couldn’t hear the sounds of the mattress creaking, of quickened breath and physical effort. Light Yagami was every bit as perfect out of his clothes as he was in them and the contrast between his precisely controlled public self and the self now hungrily seeking its own satisfaction was undeniably arousing. L took care to arrange his pose and facial expression so that his enjoyment wasn’t readily apparent should Watari look over or one of the other task members wander in. 

His own physical arousal aside L was also surprised, more so than he ever would have admitted. Light knew he was being watched but could have no way of knowing who would be watching and when. How did he know that his father wasn’t watching him at this very moment? 

L had to suppress a sharp intake of breath as Light suddenly rolled onto his back once more and began jerking himself off quickly, his head tipped back and his body taut with need, his hand almost a blur. L was hypnotized, his own anticipation tightening within him, waiting. Light’s back arched and he went still for a moment, eyes closed and mouth open as he came. L felt an echoing tremor go through his own body as Light went limp against the bed, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his eyes still closed as he held himself. 

A thought occurred to L, an improbable yet tantalizing thought. _What if he knows that his alibi has all but eliminated him as a suspect? What if he guessed that no one would bother watching him through the night?_ L frowned as Light pulled the blankets over himself and turned onto his side. He was facing the camera on his desk and his expression was serene, hair falling across his forehead and his closed eyes, his bow-shaped lips slightly parted and one hand, the hand that he had touched himself with, resting on the pillow next to him. _No,_ L thought, _he had to have known that I would still be watching._ It was a bold move, and psychologically fascinating. 

An observer might conclude that Light didn’t know he was being watched, might be repelled or attracted by the display of sexuality and could lose objectivity in the process of deciphering his or her own reactions. No matter the intention it was a simple, direct, and natural way to put someone off their guard. L couldn’t help but admire Light’s sense of strategy. 

L realized abruptly that the room had fallen silent. Willing himself to not look guilty he turned away from the beautiful boy on the monitors and glanced over his shoulder. Watari was watching him, his expression neutral.

“Is everything alright, Ryuzaki?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I seem to recall that Sayu Yagami likes to have the radio on in her room at night. Has there been a malfunction in the audio system?”

L’s stomach gave a small lurch as he forced himself to act naturally. He turned back to the monitors as though surprised and picked up the remote.

“Oh, the mute button must have gotten pressed by accident. Thank you Watari, I hadn’t noticed.”

The audio came back and the faint chorus of a pop song could be heard in the hotel room. L couldn’t bring himself to look back at Watari and soon the computer keys were clicking again.


	3. Moves and Counter-moves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To-Oh entrance exam! Post-tennis locker room scene!

January 17, 2004

 

It was a dangerous plan, L was fully aware of that. Aizawa had used the term _suicidal_ but L thought that that was unnecessarily dramatic. However, he could tell that Watari was concerned, and that did give him pause. The task force members had been permitted to return to their homes for the first time in two days so that he and Watari could discuss the plan privately. Once L had explained what he meant to do and why Watari outlined the security precautions that L would be required to agree to before he would give his consent. Watari’s job, first and foremost, was to be L’s representative in the outside world, but his more important role was to act as L’s advisor, to be the one person in the world whom L could trust completely. He would do everything he could and more to make sure that L was able to do what needed to be done in order to solve a case, but if Watari was completely opposed to a plan the plan would not proceed. Luckily their partnership had yet to encounter such a nonnegotiable scenario, which was why L was currently sitting at a desk in the back of a large classroom waiting to take the To-Oh University entrance exam and watching the door for Light Yagami.

All of the other college hopefuls had arrived thirty minutes to an hour early, sweating, fidgeting nervously, and pouring over prep notes and books in the hallway, but Light Yagami strolled in seven minutes before the test was set to begin looking as though he had just stepped off of a private jet after purchasing the _Mona Lisa_. L was hunched down with his arms folded on his desk, watching.

Halfway through the test L’s impatience got the better of him. He slipped out of his shoes and drew up his knees so he could squat on his chair, deliberately drawing attention to himself. Sure enough, when one of the exam monitors came down the row to chastise him Light turned to look over his shoulder and their eyes met.

L hadn’t been expecting anything in particular. Light’s gaze was cool and contained no hint of interest, calculation, or recognition. L stared back unblinking until Light returned to his test. It would be the last time that Light looked on him as a stranger.

 

~

 

April 7, 2004

 

The university locker room was almost surgically clean and mercifully deserted. L looked around it before fixing Light with his large black eyes.

“I can see why you like this school.”

Light paused in the process of entering the combination to open the locker where his clothes were stored.

“What do you mean?”

L shrugged and turned to his own locker across the room so that Light couldn’t see his face.

“It’s almost spotless, do you clean it yourself?”

Light was caught off-guard but a carefree chuckle came to him easily.

“I know you’ve just suffered a crushing defeat, Ryuzaki, but there’s no need for such scathing wit at my expense.”

There was a pause and then Light heard L laugh for the first time. It was an unexpected sound caught somewhere between a delighted child and a ruthless man. Light grinned and both of them turned back to their lockers. Once the padlock on his had popped free Light proceeded to take out his backpack and duffel bag. He unpacked his clothes and shoes more slowly than was necessary so that he could listen to what L was doing across the room. He turned his head just enough to use his peripheral vision. L had sat down on a wooden bench next to his piled clothing and was bent forward to untie his shoes, the mop of unruly hair obscuring his face. 

Light hesitated then pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it into the open duffel bag. He took a towel from the bag and wiped the sweat from his torso, chest, stomach and arms. He turned into the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights and twisted slightly at the waist to dry the small of his back. The shirt was soon joined by his shorts, underwear, and socks. Light wrapped the towel around his waist and knelt down to retrieve a small bottle of soap from the bag before finally turning back towards his opponent. L was sitting in the exact same pose, bent forward, hair hiding his face, only now he was tying rather than untying his shoelaces. At some point while Light was undressing L had changed into clean clothes identical to his dirty ones without making a sound. Feeling thwarted, Light adopted a casual smile.

“Were you going to take a shower?”

L looked up, his expression impassive as ever.

“No, but feel free. Did you want to grab a bite to eat or anything?”

“Sure, I owe you one for being an honorable loser.”

The corner of L’s mouth twitched, a movement so slight that Light almost thought he’d imagined it.

“That’s fine. I’ll wait for you outside.”

L stood up and hitched the strap of his own duffel bag onto his shoulder before slouching out of the locker room. Light watched him go and stood for a moment, thinking, before going into the adjoining shower area. As he was lathering soap onto his body and through his hair he felt more than saw the shadow in the doorway behind him.

“Was he watching me?”

Over the sound of water in the tiled space he could just hear a dull rustle and hiss.

“Why do you wanna know?”

Light closed his eyes and put his face into the water, trying not to feel exposed.

“Just answer the question, Ryuk.”

“He was watching you.”

Light smiled like a bloodhound finding his trail in the woods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this already exists somewhere, but there needs to be an L/Light fanvid set to "He Whipped My Ass in Tennis (Then I Fucked His Ass in Bed)" by Pansy Division, it would be amazing :D If you've never heard that song go YouTube it right now, you won't be sorry.


	4. Overture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day ;)

April 12, 2004

 

Light had made the reservation with one of the librarians. They would have study room 5b to themselves for two hours on Monday afternoon after their psychology class. L had been surprised when Light extended the offer of studying together. Not only because L knew he irritated Light but because he found it difficult to believe that Light was the kind of person who would ever want to study with someone else. He was too proud, too serious, too self-possessed. But if he was also Kira L knew better than to refuse the offer.

After class on Wednesday they briefly went to the psychology section to pick up a few titles their teacher had mentioned that they hadn’t been able to find online and carried them to 5b. The room was small and painted a calming pale blue. There were outlets, ports for laptops, and a gleaming well-made table with two matching chairs in the middle. L noted that the door didn’t have a window. _He could kill me in here_ , he thought mildly.

Light put the books he was carrying on the table and pulled his laptop out of his bag, plugging it in. Then he put his computer on the carpeted floor next to the wall along with an apple, a bottle of water, and a small bag of snacks that looked as though it had come from a vending machine. L contemplated this.

“I thought they didn’t allow food or beverages in the library.”

Light glanced up at him and smiled, almost sheepish.

“They don’t, that’s one of the reasons I like the private study rooms.”

“Do you find that the act of eating helps you to think?”

Light nodded.

“Yah, I do. My sister teases me about it all the time that it’s going to make me gain too much weight.”

He transferred the books from the table to the floor and sat down among them with his back against the wall and his legs crossed underneath him. L couldn’t help but smile and sit down next to him, taking off his shoes and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

Light was working on a paper that was due at the end of the month. The subject was early childhood development and he was formulating a detailed outline on his computer. L had no intention of writing the paper himself but he found that he enjoyed helping Light with his. Not that he thought Light actually needed his help; he was sure that it was all part of the act of “being friends”. However, L had long since made it a practice to never dismiss or ignore his own feelings, so he would not deny the small part of himself which was sincerely enjoying Light’s company. The boy had a mind and temperament which complemented his own. His presence answered a loneliness that L frequently forgot he had.

Light offered L the bag of snacks, which L ate, and Light had the apple. L knew that this was Kira’s detail, but such an obvious one that he felt it would insult both of them to interrogate Light about it. After a while L began to help with the assignment, searching through the books at Light’s request to find desired passages and read them aloud as Light took notes on his computer. Light had a tendency to grow more focused and quiet as he worked; L had noticed this when they played tennis. But at one point as L was reading Light looked over at the book in his hands and set his laptop aside, then scooted closer until their arms and shoulders were touching, leaning in to read the passage silently while L read it aloud. 

They had sat like this for a full second before L noticed what had happened and was alarmed at his own obliviousness. But after that second it became _all_ he was aware of. The warmth of Light’s body was that much closer, his smooth clear face and bow-shaped lips nearer. He was wearing a white cotton button-up shirt with orange pinstripes on it which complemented his auburn hair and light brown eyes. The long sleeves of the shirt ended just above the bones of his wrists, the cuffs carefully buttoned. He was too perfect. L had known it the moment he saw that first photograph of him in Chief Yagami’s file. L had never attempted to deny his own attraction to Light and as with every other emotion he accepted, observed, and analyzed it rationally. But then, as he continued to read, Light turned his head and gently pressed his lips to the side of L’s neck. 

L’s only outward reaction was to stop reading but inside a complex series of thoughts, possibilities, and decisions were being processed at considerable speed. After two seconds Light’s lips were no longer in contact with L’s skin but hovered millimeters above the spot they had touched and L’s body hummed to the feeling of Light’s warm breath there. 

“That’s not a good idea,” he said, keeping his voice neutral.

“Why?” Light murmured.

L blinked. 

“The reasons are obvious.”

“Maybe,” Light said, his voice vibrating against L’s ear, “but is reason so important?”

As L was considering a response to this Light began kissing his neck again. L felt Light’s mouth open against his skin, felt his tongue, and couldn’t suppress a shiver as a warm hand cupped the other side of his neck to hold him in place. L could feel himself getting hard and allowed his body to react while he considered the nuances of the situation. The boy had obviously been using eroticism as a diversionary tool from the beginning, but L hadn’t suspected Light Yagami of actually having homosexual inclinations. He had known he was hiding something during the surveillance but had assumed that the secret was Kira. _The secret is still Kira_ , he reminded himself, _whether Light is genuinely inclined towards men or not, the fact that he’s trying to seduce me now is pure calculation; a gamble to throw me off, to tempt me and cause me to make a mistake._ Light barely knew him and could have no way of knowing how he would react to a spontaneous sexual advance. But as L considered all of the ways in which he could respond he quickly came to the conclusion that while Light’s move was recklessly bold, it was also smart. Again, he was rather impressed. The hard edges of Light’s teeth were pressing gently into his skin, making him twitch, and L took a breath to collect his thoughts before he spoke.

“The fact that you’ve resorted to this tactic would seem to indicate a certain amount of desperation on Kira’s part.”

Light froze and his mouth was gone, along with his hand, leaving L’s neck wet and cold. Light sat back against the wall and when L looked over at him he was fascinated by the utterly sincere, wounded look on Light’s face. The boy was even blushing. There was a moment of silence before Light spoke, quietly, folding his arms across his chest and looking at the floor in front of him.

“Why did you have to say that?”

L raised his eyebrows, incredulous. Light went on.

“Is it so impossible for you to believe that this has nothing to do with Kira? That _I_ have nothing to do with Kira? That maybe I just wanted to have…something for myself?”

His voice almost broke and for a moment L was transfixed by the subtlety of the performance. Light’s gaze moved to his left sock, hesitantly, as though his humiliation kept him from looking directly at L.

“Do-do you not like guys?”

L tried to imagine what it would be like if Light was innocent. If Light were simply what he appeared to be, a confident, ambitious, brilliant, beautiful boy. The vulnerability of his question would be completely disarming and L was hard-pressed to imagine the person who would be unmoved by it. L was silent, watching. _But you’re not innocent_ , he thought, _and you knew that I wouldn’t be convinced by this. That wasn’t the point._

Unexpectedly Light met his gaze, his eyes half-hidden by the bangs that fell across his forehead. His expression was still embarrassed, worried, confused, hurt, and hopeful. L had to stop himself from smiling. _You just wanted to see if you could do it._ He leaned forward and kissed Light.

Light gave a small start of surprise but his mouth opened, almost reflexively, and L pushed in. Light made a small noise of longing as their tongues moved against each other and L was intoxicated by the thought that perhaps he could, after all, make Light Yagami tell the truth. He unbuttoned Light’s shirt quickly, his breath coming faster as he slid his hands beneath a white undershirt and finally touched the soft warm skin of Light’s stomach and chest. His palms and fingertips almost ached and he moved his mouth to Light’s neck, his collarbone. Light’s mouth was freed to make the most beautiful noises, all the more wonderful because he was trying so hard to be quiet. His hands were in L’s hair, traveling over his back. A separate part of L’s brain briefly registered the fact that Light was making no attempt to venture under his clothes, an observation which he stored away for later. He unfastened Light’s belt and unzipped his jeans. He remembered the night he had watched Light masturbate and couldn’t suppress a moan as his hand deftly found Light’s penis. It grew hard in his hand as Light gasped at the contact. L started moving his hand up and down, gently squeezing Light’s erection. One of Light’s hands clenched in the fabric of L’s shirt, and the other was braced against the carpet at his side. L lifted his head so that he could watch Light’s face. 

Light’s head was tipped back against the wall, his eyes closed and his lips parted just enough that L could see the glint of his front teeth, his breath quick. L began to move his hand faster and Light’s brow furrowed, his soft mouth opening a little more, his back arching. L licked at Light’s mouth and pulled gently on the boy’s lower lip with his teeth, making Light shiver and moan, precum wetting the head of his penis. L went deeper until he had Light’s tongue between his lips and started sucking it, hard, his hand moving faster still. Suddenly Light jerked his mouth free and grabbed hold of L’s wrist, halting the motion.

“Wait, wait-” he gasped, “I can’t, I don’t have anything to clean it up-”

Without missing a beat L ducked his head and closed his mouth around Light’s erection, rolling his tongue around the head while continuing to move the hand that grasped its base. Light cried out in surprise and pleasure, clapping a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound as he came. The cum filled L’s mouth and he swallowed reflexively, gently licking and sucking and holding until it was over and Light slumped back against the wall. L released Light from his mouth, withdrew his hand and sat up, looking at him. The boy’s face was flushed, his eyes closed, a faint sheen of sweat above his upper lip and along his hairline. The part of L’s carefully delineated consciousness which was still out of his control was temporarily overwhelmed by desire as he looked at Light. It wasn’t enough, not nearly enough, but this was neither the time nor the place. He took what he could and kissed Light again, slow and deep, making sure the boy would taste himself. Light kissed him back hungrily and whimpered into his mouth. His own erection dwindling, unsatisfied, L soon broke the kiss and sat back against the wall, looking at the room without seeing it as he collected his thoughts. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Light blushing again as he awkwardly zipped and buckled himself back into his pants.

Light made a perfunctory show of picking up his computer again and scanning his outline for a few moments, but soon enough he was looking at his watch and pretending to remember that he was supposed to run an errand for his mother on the way home. Once they were outside Light turned to him with a shy, charming smile. 

“See you around,” he said.

L smiled back, playing along.

“Yes, see you Yagami-kun.”

Light put his hands in his pockets and looked at his shoes, blushing so spectacularly that L half-suspected it was a genuine reaction.

“Call me Light.”

“Very well, Light.”

They looked at each other for a moment before Light turned and started walking away, looking back at L over his shoulder to wave goodbye. A nearby tree tossed a handful of white petals as he passed under it, caught by the same warm breeze that moved his hair. L stood watching until he turned a corner at the end of the block and was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For about 15 seconds I desperately wanted to name this chapter "Study Buddies" but I just couldn't bring myself to do it :D


	5. Crimes of the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and Ryuk discuss strategy.

April 14, 2004

 

Light knew what Ryuk wanted to say and was irritated that he wouldn’t say it. The shinigami often seemed incapable of withholding a thought the moment it occurred, to the effect that a large portion of Light’s valuable mental energy was expended in trying to act as though he couldn’t hear him. This current silence was worse, however, because it persisted even when they were alone. It had been two days since Light and L had gone to the library, two days of feeling Ryuk’s sidelong glances, of imagining what was going through the god’s mind.

After a particularly long dinner spent listening to his mother and sister as they chattered away and ignoring the silent black-feathered shadow of Ryuk on his periphery, Light stalked upstairs to his room and rounded on him the moment the door had locked behind them.

_“What.”_

Ryuk went still and tilted his head slightly, confused.

“Huh?”

Light closed his eyes, trying to be patient. 

“What is it that you want to say?”

Ryuk did not answer right away but continued to stand in the middle of the room, staring at him. Light had decided that the most difficult thing about Ryuk, and there were a lot of contenders, was his limited range of facial expressions. The value of eyelids, for instance, was something he had never had cause to think about before meeting his constant companion. If he had to guess Light thought that Ryuk was looking at him in a calculating way, as though he had been making an inventory and had stumbled upon an embarrassing discrepancy in the figures. Light folded his arms and waited. 

“I was just wondering if you were still planning to kill L.”

Light lifted his chin, gratified that he had accurately guessed Ryuk’s thought.

“Of course I am,” he replied.

Ryuk tilted his head to the side again.

“I just wanted to make sure. You said you would get him to think you’re not Kira by becoming friends, not-”

“-Not by seducing him, yes.”

Light uncrossed his arms and pulled over his desk chair to sit down. Ryuk remained standing, watching him. Light willed himself not to look awkward or embarrassed. The only thing he had told Ryuk about his plan for the study room was to keep watch and give Light a signal if anyone looked as though they were going to come check the room. Along with being an essential precaution, it was also easier to give a convincing performance when Ryuk’s head was sticking through the door and into the hallway rather than watching (and most likely commenting on) every step of the seduction process. At a certain point, however, Light had lost himself in the act and upon regaining the presence of mind to be aware of his surroundings he had seen that Ryuk was fully in the room with them once more. He had no idea how much the shinigami had heard or seen of the encounter but obviously it had been enough. Ryuk was still watching him. Light leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs, composed and confident, his fingers laced together in his lap.

“The plan has not changed. If anything I’ve improved it. When he first approached me I considered friendship because I assumed it was the only option available. However, during my observations of him I began to suspect that L might have other inclinations, ones that I could use against him much more effectively,” he paused as a thought occurred to him, “Do shinigami have sex, Ryuk?”

Ryuk made a small movement of surprise.

“No,” he said flatly.

Light tilted his head to the side.

“What’s your understanding of human sexuality?”

Obviously caught off-guard by the change of topic Ryuk finally looked away and shifted uncomfortably.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “it’s just something that humans do. It doesn’t make much sense to us.”

“But you have a concept of love, don’t you?”

Ryuk shrugged.

“Some shinigami say that they love, but I never have.”

Light nodded. He wasn’t surprised to hear that Ryuk had never experienced the emotion but it did make his plan harder to explain.

“Well,” he began, thinking carefully, “humans have sex in order to get something; love, power, comfort, commitment, pleasure, you name it. Sex is enjoyable for humans, so they’re often willing to do and give a lot in order to get it. Say a woman needs money, one of the easiest ways she can get money is by having sex with a man who gives her money in exchange.”

“Shinigami understand that,” Ryuk said, “but that wasn’t what you and L were doing.”

Light felt himself blush and moved his head so that his face was shadowed, keeping his voice authoritative. 

“Sex can also create intense trust between people,” Ryuk looked confused again, “when you trust someone you believe that that person would never hurt or betray you.”

“You think you can get L to trust you?”

Light thought about it. Although he had been confident of the other man’s attraction to him he hadn’t expected L to respond as passionately as he did. While he was glad that his risk had paid off so well, Light had to admit that he would be profoundly disappointed if L actually fell in love with him.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to get him to trust me completely; he’s too smart for that. Right now he wants me, the way you want apples.”

Ryuk’s smile widened and he nodded, understanding immediately. _I should have used that analogy from the beginning_ , Light mused.

“It would take a long time, but if I can keep L wanting me, I might be able to get him to love me. He wouldn’t need to trust me and I would still be able to hurt him much more that way than I ever would by inflicting physical pain or even death.”

Even though the shinigami’s mouth was fixed in a grinning shape Light could tell that Ryuk’s smile had faded as the conversation slipped out of his intellectual grasp again.

“You’re pretty good Light, but I don’t see how you could hurt someone more with love than with death.”

It was Light’s turn to smile as he leaned back in his chair.

“Well then Ryuk, prepare yourself for a good show.”


	6. Away From Witnesses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A snog in the shrubbery :)

April 15, 2004

 

Considering the fact that L had not been seen on campus since their sojourn in the library, Light was more than a little surprised when the detective appeared at his elbow as he was walking across campus the next afternoon, walking at a surprisingly brisk pace given that his shoelaces were untied. Light laughed in surprise.

“Where did you come from? You scared me.”

“I very much doubt that you’ve ever been afraid in your life, Light.”

Light frowned. Something was off, or at least more so than usual. L seemed distracted, his eyes scanning around them restlessly, his face blank as he walked with his hands in his pockets. Feeling his way, Light latched onto the fact that L had remembered to call him by his first name and walked a little closer, their elbows just barely touching.

“Is everything all right, Ryuzaki?”

“I need to show you something.”

Without further explanation L turned on his heel and stepped off of the sidewalk, heading for the tall flowering bushes which ran along the wall of the nearest school building. As though it were the most normal thing in the world he edged through a gap between them and vanished. Light hesitated a moment and glanced around to make sure no one was watching before he followed, a suspicion quietly taking shape in his mind as he did so.

“Want me to keep watch again?” Ryuk asked, his voice heavy with sarcasm. Light gave a small nod without looking directly at him before maneuvering between the bushes, silently hoping that whatever was about to happen wouldn’t ruin his clothes.

At once he saw why L had chosen the spot. The walls of the building formed a ninety-degree corner which the bushes could not adequately fill, leaving a space just big enough for the two of them to stand in. The branches and leaves were so dense that it was highly unlikely they would be seen, and the lowest windows of the building were well above their heads. L was watching him with the same inscrutable expression and Light smiled, playing his part and taking in their surroundings with an air of amused appreciation.

“I like what you’ve done with the place.”

A moment later Light’s back was against the rough stone wall and L was kissing him. Light let his book bag drop to the ground. His first thought was that it was too tidy, too predictable. As soon as he had realized that L was leading him away from potential witnesses he had wondered if this was the reason. The fact that he was right meant that L was either laughably unworthy or content to play the game with him. Light was inclined towards the latter theory and couldn’t deny that his opponent played well, not that he had much to compare it to.

L was holding his waist and Light was beginning to feel out of breath from the effort of keeping up with his kissing. Although Light was somewhat mystified by his body’s responsiveness to L, he was also grateful for it. Whatever natural attraction existed between them decreased the amount of effort required for his plan exponentially. L was hard, pressing their hips together, and Light opened his eyes briefly to make sure Ryuk was still on the other side of the hedge before he put his arms around L’s neck and pushed back against him, allowing himself to whimper into L’s mouth as he did so. Logical thought was becoming more of a challenge now, especially since L had reached down and was stroking Light’s erection through his pants. Everything in Light’s body seemed to pull towards L’s hand like iron filings to a magnet and he had to pull his mouth away to suppress a moan. L was nuzzling the side of Light’s face with small, gentle kisses, and the tenderness of it caught him off-guard. Equally surprising was the rush of arousal it inspired, almost making him forget everything completely. He opened his eyes again, forcing himself to remember where he was and what he was doing. 

The pale stone building stretched over their heads and beyond it the sky was a delicate eggshell blue, with sunlight making the green leaves of the trees sparkle in the wind. He was Kira, creating a deadly web to trap his mortal enemy, but he was also Light Yagami, one of the best and brightest in Japan, the son of a police chief, and _that_ boy would be feeling in over his head at this point. L was kissing his ear now, stroking Light more roughly, and it took a considerable force of will to disentangle his arms from around L’s neck and take his hand.

“Could-could we just stop for a second?”

Obediently L withdrew his hand, moving back a little. They were both breathing heavily and Light did his best to ignore the detective’s steady, shrewd gaze as he focused on his performance. He slouched against the wall a little, looking guilty.

“I’m sorry, I-I don’t think I can do this.”

L stood motionless, unblinking, waiting, and Light took a steadying breath, lowering his head. As though he had been cued, L spoke.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I can, _be_ with you, and I know that’s not fair, since the whole thing was my idea…”

L’s hands were back in his pockets and Light could hear amusement in his voice as he tilted his head to the side.

“I can’t let you take all the credit for that, I have my own free will after all, and I apologize if I’ve done anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Light’s body was taking an inordinate amount of time to return to its normal state and he resisted a powerful urge to glare at L. _You smug son of a bitch_. Instead he shook his head earnestly.

“No, it’s nothing you did, I swear, it’s just-” he looked away again, ashamed, “A lot is expected of me, from my teachers and advisers, not to mention my family.”

“You’re worried that a relationship would distract you too much from your studies?”

“Well yah, I mean, look at us, I’m late for a lecture right now!”

L gave him a small, teasing smile.

“I don’t think one lecture is going to ruin your prospects, Light, although at your age I’m sure it can feel that way.”

Light clenched his teeth. _At_ my _age?_

“It’s not just that,” he protested, running a hand through his hair in exasperation, “You work with my father, you still think that I’m _Kira_ -”

“There is that.”

“And,” Light’s shoulders dropped in defeat, “and you’re not a girl.”

L frowned.

“Would that be a problem for your family?”

Tears were coming to Light’s eyes and he concentrated on keeping them there, on making his voice small and hollow.

“I think it would.”

The silence lengthened between them until Light sniffed and shook his head, retrieving his backpack and stepping away from L.

“I have to get to class. I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Light. I understand.” 

L’s tone was sympathetic and Light gave him a last tearful look before he turned and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was originally going to be in a different chapter as a flashback, told from L's POV, but I'm really glad that I tried fleshing it out as its own scene because I like it so much better this way. It also occurred to me that I didn't have a scene of them gettin slashy from Kira!Light's POV, which will become important when we get to Amnesia!Light, plus I can't resist the layers of lying going on here (it is the theme of the fic after all :)


	7. Shell Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L narrows it down.

May 27, 2004

 

“You can’t fool me,” L muttered to the bowl of jelly beans.

“Ryuzaki?”

Matsuda’s eyes were moving from L to the bowl and he was looking a little worried. L took a handful of the jelly beans and deposited them onto the surveillance photos which had been neatly arranged and labeled on the table in front of him. Aizawa and Soichiro were sitting on the couches to his right and left and Watari sat at a table behind him, organizing the evidence files and cross-referencing with his laptop. L glared at the jelly beans.

“Is…is something wrong with the jelly beans?” Matsuda asked.

“They’re not jelly beans,” L said, finally looking up, “they’re an object lesson.”

It was obvious that the three men in front of him were resisting the urge to exchange glances with each other. Instead they waited for him to go on with a courtesy which he found distinctly Japanese. L turned to Soichiro.

“Forgive me, Yagami-san, but for the purposes of this discussion I’m going to refer to your son as Kira.”

Chief Yagami shifted uncomfortably and looked down at his hands, silently conveying his displeasure, and there was a tense pause before he replied.

“I understand, Ryuzaki, please continue.”

L put his hands on the arms of the chair he was sitting in and swung his legs up so that he was squatting on the cushion.

“Kira and the Second Kira have made contact and are almost certainly working together. As per my instructions Mogi-san has been tailing Light; he is doing that as we speak. His surveillance photos are what you see on the table, and the jelly beans represent every person that Light Yagami has come in contact with since yesterday morning. When viewed all as a whole they blend together and appear innocuous. Our task is to use what we know of Kira to determine which contact was different from all the others, in other words,” he plucked a jelly bean from the table and ate it, “which of the jelly beans is not actually a jelly bean.”

Watari had been receiving Mogi’s pictures on his laptop as they were taken and the task force had been working together to investigate the targets. In the wake of L’s speech they began to present their findings and L listened, for the most part. It would be easier for them to understand his plan if he gave them time to get at least halfway there on their own.

What was so impressive about Light, he reflected, was that his actions made sense from multiple angles. For example, his apparent overture to Kiyomi Takada, a fellow student in his Sociology class, could be seen as a perfectly normal example of a first-year college student taking advantage of his increased independence. Alternatively, it could be seen as the logical choice for a closeted young man seeking to maintain a façade of heterosexuality. Of particular interest to L, however, was Light’s selection of Takada given that all of the evidence so far was pointing to the Second Kira being female.

The surveillance photos had captured Light talking to five women, not including his mother and sister. Of these five Takada was the only one generally rumored to be his girlfriend. One was his Criminology professor, two were classmates, and the last was the clerk at a convenience store. As fate would have it, the contact which most intrigued L was the one they had no concrete evidence of. 

In addition to having Mogi follow Light, L had also sent Aizawa (in disguise and with false credentials) to question Light’s neighbors about the family’s comings and goings. An elderly woman living across the street reported seeing a young woman visit the house on the night of the 25th. She had been sitting by her living room window reading and was surprised not only by the late hour, but by what the girl was wearing. In a tone of bewildered disdain she had described what sounded like fairly standard Japanese street fashion, but clearly not a style she had previously seen in connection to the Yagamis. According to her statement Sayu Yagami had answered the door then turned away to call for someone and Light had appeared, speaking to the girl briefly before inviting her in. When asked if either of them seemed to know the visitor, if they’d smiled or greeted her warmly, the neighbor said no. She was still at the window almost an hour later when the girl left, seen off by Light, his sister and mother. Again, even though it was almost midnight, the girl hadn’t seemed concerned about being on her own.

_Because she has all the protection she needs?_

His train of thought was momentarily paused by Watari, who had come over to the table with his laptop.

“Forgive the interruption gentlemen, but Mogi-san has just sent more pictures.”

He turned the computer towards them, displaying several photos in which Light was approached by a young woman. At a glance L knew that it must be the same girl who had visited the Yagamis on the 25th, and to his credit Aizawa spoke up at once to say that she matched the neighbor’s description. L reached up to take the laptop from Watari.

“Mogi-san has informed me that Light and the young woman are currently walking together in the direction of Light’s house,” Watari said, checking his mobile.

“Thank you Watari,” L said distractedly, examining the pictures, “If this is indeed the same woman who visited Light on Tuesday we need to find out who she is as quickly as possible. Yagami-san,” he turned the laptop to Soichiro, “Have you seen this girl before? Or heard your son talking about her?”

Soichiro shook his head.

“I haven’t been home much these last few weeks, and when I am,” he paused, looking uncomfortable, “It’s not something that my son and I typically discuss.”

Looking at him, L couldn’t help but wonder about the story Light had given him that day behind the hedge. Kira’s strategy had been obvious, and it would be wildly idiotic to actually believe anything that came out of Light's mouth, but it had still given him pause. After all, the easiest lies to tell were the ones that contained as much truth as possible. L cleared his throat and addressed the task force at large once more.

“From what we’ve seen of Kira so far I think it’s safe to say that he desires control in all things. It’s clear that the emergence of a Second Kira wasn’t part of his original plan. The Second Kira is reckless, aggressive, and most likely female. It’s significant to note that when this girl allegedly arrived on his doorstep, she seems to have asked for Light specifically. Of all the contacts that we have been investigating I believe she stands out and I am going to ask you to concentrate all of your efforts on her for the time being.”

Later, once the pictures had been printed out and the rest of the task force was busy on their new assignment, L studied this latest encounter. Even at a distance it was clear to him from Light’s posture and body language that the meeting had not been arranged and that he was not happy about it. _Of course you’re not,_ L mused, _Kira would never choose an ally he couldn’t control completely, and certainly not one so memorable. The fact that you're going along with it must mean that she’s essential to your plan._ He looked at the last picture, at the two of them walking side by side, and tried not to smile.

_You can’t fool me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title, "How Many Times Can I Get Away With Making Them Say 'Jelly Beans'?"


	8. The Boy in the Cell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light still hasn't confessed and L is out of ideas.

July 18, 2004

 

Ever since Kira had started killing again L had noticed a significant drop in the enthusiasm of the task force. It was understandable; given the circumstances and the hypothesis he had put forth Light’s innocence was the only logical conclusion. And even though he would never dream of saying it out loud, L had never felt more conflicted about a case. He knew beyond reason and to the core of his being that Light was Kira. The first time he had watched Light Yagami walking through his home via the hidden cameras L had seen a secret within him. But this new Light, the one who strained against his handcuffs and pleaded his innocence, was improbable to the point of farce. L could no longer see that hidden world inside of him. 

It was almost two o’clock in the morning and the last of the task force, Aizawa, had retreated to the hotel suite’s main living room to grab a few hours of sleep on the couch. L’s eyes were burning with fatigue as they moved from screen to screen. Chief Yagami was asleep. Misa Amane was asleep. Light rolled over on his cot restlessly, his back to the camera. Anticipation twisted in L’s gut. He had to know.

The sound of the speaker turning on made Light open his eyes and he instinctively lifted his head to the nearest camera, waiting. 

_“Are you having trouble sleeping, Yagami-kun?”_

He blinked, surprised to hear L’s actual voice rather than the disguised one.

“Yah. I’m used to sleeping in the dark.”

_“I understand.”_

There was silence for a moment. Feeling self-conscious, Light rolled over again and got himself into a sitting position, his bare feet on the cold floor. Wondering what was going on, he waited. The speaker clicked back on.

_“I’ve been reviewing the progress of the Kira case thus far and I wanted to discuss our private association.”_

Light started, alarmed even as he tried to keep his voice steady.

“Is-is anyone else listening to this right now?”

A beat.

_“No. We are alone.”_

Light exhaled in relief and shifted nervously on the cot. 

“What about it?”

L bit the inside of his lower lip. During the weeks he’d been in captivity Light’s smooth auburn hair had grown out a little, falling into his large clear eyes and against his neck, but there was still only the faintest trace of stubble along his jawline and above his lips. Rather than marring his youthful beauty, this sign of maturity amplified it in a disconcerting way. L swallowed and pushed the speaker button.

“I want to see you, Yagami-kun.”

The grainy under-saturated image of Light lifted its head to the camera, an expression of confusion on its perfect face.

_“What do you mean?”_

L hesitated, questioning his own motives. Of all the strategies he and Light had used against each other there seemed to be only one that had ever come close to ruffling Light’s composure. _I have to try_. He dismissed a small rebuke from his conscience as he glanced over to the screen where Light’s father was sleeping. _And it’s certainly not something I can do with the others looking over my shoulder._

Light waited, the leather-lined handcuffs which held his arms behind his back uncomfortable against the elevated pulse in his wrists. The speaker clicked on and something had changed in L’s voice.

_“I want you to show me your body. Right now.”_

Light’s eyes widened. The narrow hallway outside the bars of his cell was as dark and empty as it was every night. It was entirely possible that L was lying about no one else watching or listening in, but Light couldn’t imagine what kind of advantage such a lie would give him. 

“I…I said that we shouldn’t be involved with each other.”

There was a pause.

_“I remember. I was wondering whether or not you had reconsidered your position.”_

Light swallowed. He had thought about it, more than once, in spite of the fact that everything he had said to L that day was still true. The absurdity of what L was asking him to do was incredible, but more so was the fact that he was actually considering doing it.

“That-that might be difficult, Ryuzaki. The handcuffs-”

_“Do what you can.”_

Feeling nervous and excited at once, Light smiled at the camera.

“Are you going to help me?”

There was a pause before the speaker crackled to life again.

_“I’m kneeling in front of you. I slide my hands over your hips to push down your pants.”_

Light drew a shaky breath, anticipation making him almost queasy. He crouched and awkwardly used the edge of the cot to catch the top of his sweatpants and work them down. 

L watched as, inch by inch, Light’s slim hips emerged in the harsh light of his cell. It was a slow, difficult process and L imagined Light’s muscles straining, imagined the metal frame of the cot scratching him. Light had managed to catch the edge of his underwear as well and moved to lie on the floor, arching his back and twisting his hips to work the clothing from his long legs. L was hypnotized by the look of concentration on his face; by the way his penis flopped and bounced.

By the time his pants and underwear were around his ankles Light was out of breath and shivered at the coldness of the cell floor on his bare skin, feeling exposed and more than a little foolish. He was grateful to hear the speaker crackle with L’s voice again.

_“Finish.”_

Light chuckled under his breath and kicked off his pants and underwear.

_“Was that difficult, Light?”_

Light closed his eyes, suddenly tired.

“A little.”

_“Is the floor cold?”_

Light frowned, unsure of what L wanted him to say.

“It’s really cold…are you going to warm me up?”

L would’ve laughed if his own desire had been less demanding. He unbuttoned the front of his jeans while keeping his other hand on the speaker control.

_“I’m holding your feet, your ankles, my hands are warm. I move them up your legs; I push your thighs apart.”_

Light sighed and tilted his head back, opening his legs obediently, trying to imagine L’s hands. The hard floor was painful against the bones of his cramping arms, still pinned behind his back, but he didn’t care. His cock twitched.

_“Touch me.”_

Light’s voice was strained, pleading, and L pulled out his own growing erection, fighting to keep his voice even.

“Your cock is in my hand. I’m jerking you off, slowly. I bend down and put my mouth to the spot where your thigh meets your cock.”

Light moaned and L could see him getting hard on the monitor.

“There’s a powerful ligament there, Light. It’s also surprisingly sensitive and I’m pressing my teeth against it.”

Light braced his feet against the floor, aching to touch himself, to feel what L was describing. 

“Your mouth is hot and wet on my skin, I feel your teeth, they hurt but it’s good. My cock is in your hair, please, I want your mouth on my cock.”

_“I’m licking you along the underside of your cock, slowly, from base to head, then I take the head of your cock into my mouth.”_

Light’s erection jerked and he moaned again, beginning to feel desperate.

“Ryuzaki, is it-is it ok if I get back on the bed?”

_“Yes. I want to see you stretched out on the bed.”_

Light got up and quickly re-positioned himself on the bed, his erection stark and vulnerable-looking against the concrete walls of the cell. He pictured the dark sheltering warmth of L’s body, crouched on the cot between his legs, leaning over him. He let his head fall back on the pillow and closed his eyes, stretching out as he’d been instructed.

“You’re kneeling between my legs,” he breathed, “you’re taking off your shirt.”

_“Yes.”_

“And the rest of your clothes.”

_“Yes.”_

It wasn’t easy for Light to push his surroundings from his mind. He kept imagining that he could hear footsteps outside his cell or the click of a light switch.

“What does your cock look like?”

He thought he could detect labor in L’s voice as it came through the speaker.

_“Fully erect I measure eight inches long and two inches thick.”_

There was a pause, and then Light burst out laughing and for almost a full minute he couldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry,” he said breathlessly between his giggles as a tear ran down the side of his face, “I’m so sorry, that was just, so _precise-_ ”

L wasn’t laughing but he was smiling. It was a strange thing to watch Light Yagami laugh like a child, especially considering the circumstances. L wouldn’t have thought him capable of it. Or, more accurately, he wouldn’t have thought _Kira_ capable of it. He suddenly felt a powerful yearning to be in the cell with Light and waited until his laughter quieted, enjoying the sight of the half-naked smiling boy immensely. When he spoke again he allowed this amusement to be heard in his voice.

“Does that meet with your approval?”

Light grinned and giggled weakly.

_“Yes, it sounds like you’ve got a very nice cock.”_

L leaned back and began stroking himself again.

“I’m glad you think so, because you’re going to suck it.”

Light’s breath caught in his throat and he swallowed, his erection perking up again at L’s words as his mouth watered. 

“Yes,” he said quietly.

_“I’m kneeling with one knee on either side of your chest.”_

Light opened his eyes, his confidence faltering, trying to imagine what L would want him to do.

“Are-are my hands free?”

_“They are now.”_

Light smiled.

“I’m running my hands up your thighs, to your hips, your waist-”

_“That is not where your hands are needed.”_

A thought occurred to Light and he was baffled for a moment that it hadn’t crossed his mind sooner.

“Are you hard, Ryuzaki? I mean, right now? Where you are?”

There was a pause.

_“Yes.”_

A thrill went through Light.

“Are you touching yourself?”

_“Yes.”_

Light tried to imagine it.

“Where are my father and the others?”

_“Sleeping.”_

“Aren’t you worried that they might walk in?”

Another pause.

_“No.”_

Light frowned.

“Why not?”

To his amazement, he heard annoyance in L’s voice.

_“That is irrelevant. If I’m not worried then you don’t need to be worried.”_

Light smiled, enjoying having the upper hand for once.

“Did you drug them or something?”

At first he thought the speaker had crackled but then Light realized that L had sighed, _actually sighed_ , in frustration. Light laughed, incredulous.

“You did, didn’t you!”

L didn’t answer. Light looked over at the camera, still smiling, and arched his back as provocatively as he could on a fold-away cot with his hands behind his back.

_“The fact that you’ve resorted to this tactic would seem to indicate a certain amount of desperation, don’t you think?”_

L blinked, his eyes boring into the monitor’s screen, unsettled. He grabbed a nearby remote with his free hand and replayed Light’s statement, zooming in the camera as close as it would go to watch the boy’s face, his eyes as he said it. He was silent, coiled like a cat in his concentration. He blinked, shook his head, and watched it a third time. _I can’t see it_ , he thought, a strange mixture of disappointment and relief in his mouth, _I still can’t see Kira._

_“Are-are you still there?”_

L switched back to the live feed. Light was looking towards the camera in confusion. L’s erection twitched in his hand and he decided to return to Light’s statement later.

“My hands are in your hair, Light, tightening, holding your head still. What are you going to do?”

Light closed his eyes again and turned his head back to where the imaginary L was kneeling.

“I open my mouth.”

_“I pull your head to my cock.”_

“I let you put it in.”

He heard L moan over the speaker and his erection throbbed in response.

“It’s warm and hard, it fills my mouth.”

_“I move it slowly, in and out.”_

“I’m touching your stomach, feeling your muscles as you move-”

_“I take my cock out of your mouth.”_

Light opened his eyes, disappointed.

“What?”

_“I’m kissing you.”_

Light groaned, opening his mouth to the empty air.

“Yes, kiss me, _please-_ ”

_“I’m stretching out on top of you; you wrap your legs around me-”_

“I put my arms around you; your back is warm and sweaty-”

_“I’m rubbing my cock against yours.”_

Light bit his lip and rocked his hips, aching.

“You’re sucking my tongue.”

_“I’m sucking your tongue the way I sucked your cock, hard, until it hurts-”_

Light pushed against the cot with his feet, his toes curling.

“I’m holding onto your ass, moving your hips harder, faster-”

L’s voice was becoming ragged.

_“What do you want, Light Yagami?”_

Light twisted on the bed, pulling against the binds that held his arms in place.

“I want you to fuck me.”

_“Say it again-”_

Light’s erection jerked, precum leaking from the tip.

“ _Fuck me_.”

He heard a muffled groan as the speaker cut out. Light imagined L in a dark room, lit by the blue light from a wall of glowing monitors, his hand moving frantically on his hard cock, his eyes half-lidded, his breathing heavy. Light imagined his orgasm, the spasm that would go through his body as cum came out over his hand. 

Light’s voice came out in a strangled whimper as his own orgasm took him, his hips jerking up desperately, trying in vain to give himself what he needed. Emerging from the blackness he became aware of how loud his panting breaths were in the empty room. His arms ached beneath him and he opened his eyes to see his erection weakening, spent but still unsatisfied, semen dribbling down it. He could feel tears of need starting in his chest.

“L, please tell me you’re still there.”

His voice broke as he said the words and he clamped his mouth shut.

_“I’m here, Light.”_

To his horror Light felt himself starting to cry. He turned his head towards the wall and pulled his knees up, closing them. Embarrassment burned his throat.

“Ryuzaki…please let me go, _please_ ,” he was sobbing now, the last of his dignity in pieces, “please, I’m not Kira, _I’m not Kira_ ,” he swallowed hard, his torso convulsing, “I need you. Please, I need you so much it hurts.”

L frowned. When Light had started crying he had felt compelled to reach out and touch the boy’s image on the monitor screen. L’s hands were currently clutching his drawn-up knees to prevent any such gesture. He began to chew one of his thumb nails in frustration. This had been his last idea, and he was still no closer to proving Light’s guilt or innocence. What was clear was that he was not going to get anything more from Light’s captivity, and the task force would soon turn against him if he persisted in it. He could tell by the way Light’s back was moving that he was still crying even though he made no noise. L pushed the speaker button.

“You know that the decision to end your captivity is not one I can make by myself. When you volunteered for this you explicitly stated that I was not to release you until I was convinced.”

Light turned his face back to the camera and L blinked at the anger plainly written on it. Light sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, glaring at the camera, still naked from the waist down.

_“And you’re still not convinced, right? Is this what gets you off? Acting like an honorable person, a seeker of justice, then taking advantage of your prisoner when everyone’s backs are turned?”_

L flinched. He thought very carefully before answering.

“I am, first and foremost, committed to catching Kira. I would give my life to catch Kira. My own wishes and desires are nothing compared to that mission. It is my job to understand criminals, what they do and how they think. If my prime suspect propositions me sexually the rules of engagement do not change, merely the weapons involved. Sexual manipulation is one of many tools that a killer can employ to assert control over others, and I will not hesitate to use my enemy’s tactics against them if it gives me an advantage.”

Light could feel the tears that continued to well in his eyes and drip from his chin, but could no longer be bothered to care if anyone saw. The betrayal was bitter in his stomach and he hated every word L spoke, even if he could understand the reasoning behind them. He stared at the rough and unyielding walls of his cell. The cameras clung to the edges of the ceiling like bats with their wide dark lenses, the tiny red lights making sure he never forgot that he was being recorded, that every word and movement was being monitored, preserved, and analyzed. _How’s he planning on solving that one?_ Light thought to himself, wishing he could muster a bitter smile.

The silence between them stretched and Light’s gaze fell on his abandoned pants and underwear. He swore under his breath.

“Any tips on how to get my clothes back on, you son of a bitch?”

The speaker came back on and L’s voice had lost its cold edge.

_“I can call for Watari. He’s very efficient, not to mention discreet.”_

Light stared at the nearest camera incredulously.

“And tell him what?”

There was a pause and he pictured L tilting his head to the side, pondering the question.

_“Tell him you had a wet dream and were too embarrassed to call for help so you tried to clean up yourself.”_

Light shook his head.

“Easy for you to say. If anyone should be helping me right now it’s you. You owe me that.”

There was silence again as Light stared down the camera, his tears drying.

_“I will be with you shortly.”_

Light blinked in disbelief. The speaker had gone dead. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed but he guessed at least an hour before he heard footsteps in the hallway outside his cell. Using his teeth he’d managed to pull his pillow onto his lap to cover himself. L emerged from the shadows, wearing his customary baggy jeans and long-sleeved white t-shirt. Light wondered if they were the only clothes L owned. His black hair was a mess as usual, his skin pale for want of daylight. Whatever color might have come to his cheeks as he masturbated had long since faded. The thought made Light feel even more lonely and foolish. 

L unlocked the door of the cell and stepped into the bright fluorescent lighting. His hair cast a shadow over his face and his large black eyes watched Light without betraying any hint of embarrassment, longing, or remorse. Light looked away from him as he bent to pick up the discarded clothing. 

“Stand up.”

The effect of hearing his voice so close and in person after hearing it over the speaker was powerful. Light’s stomach twisted painfully with anger and desire. He stood up, letting the pillow fall to the floor, and glared at the wall, unable to meet that unblinking gaze. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the expanse of white cotton covering L’s chest and couldn’t help but imagine pressing himself to it. 

L crouched down and held out the underwear, a prodigious effort of will enabling him to ignore the proximity of Light’s body. Obediently, like a small child, Light lifted one foot and then the other into his underwear and then his pants, allowing L to pull them up and never looking at him directly. It wasn’t until L stood up that he saw Light’s eyes shining with tears. He felt a stab of real guilt and it disturbed him. For a moment he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to hug Light or beat him until he confessed. _Both_ , he thought, _and much more besides_. Light spoke, the sound of his quiet injured voice jarring. His eyes were still fixed on the wall.

“Is this being recorded too?”

“Yes, but don’t worry. It will be taken care of.”

Light finally looked at him and the movement caused all the tears to break free and run down his face. Heart pounding, L turned abruptly and left the cell, locking the door behind him without looking at the boy beyond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has always been a beast. It's the only time in the story where I switch between two different points of view, plus the technical challenge of having them in two different rooms and trying to use the italics to indicate when someone's voice is coming out of a speaker. Would Amnesia!Light actually go along with this, given the circumstances? Probably not, but it sure was fun ;)


	9. Unprecedented Risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L lays out the plan and Watari sets the terms.

July 23, 2004

 

“Your judgment has been compromised.”

There was a thin break between the two curtains which covered the window of the hotel suite’s main room. The early morning light was the color of concrete and glass as L watched the city below them wake up. Somewhere beyond this crack in the curtains Light Yagami and Misa Amane were being driven to an abandoned irrigation canal so that L could exact one final test which would determine whether or not they remained in captivity. He already knew the test would fail but it had been the only concession his frustrated team was willing to grant him. 

Watari was facing him, wearing an expression which would have looked benign to a stranger but to L was nothing short of mutinous. His mentor was sitting elegantly with one leg crossed over the other, his elbows resting on the arms of his chair and his hands folded in his lap. 

“I cannot agree to the plan as you have presented it.”

L looked away from the window and stared at his own bare feet, which were braced against the cushion of his chair. In spite of his growing frustration and depleted morale he kept his voice as respectful as he could.

“I can no longer keep the suspects in captivity, nor can I allow them to go free. Our new facility has more than enough space and surveillance capability to allow them to live comfortably while being monitored. All of the evidence suggests that the Second Kira is an inexperienced and unintelligent criminal; therefore Miss Amane’s restrictions will be more flexible. Light Yagami is the true threat, so it is only logical that his surveillance be as comprehensive as possible.”

Watari looked away and shifted impatiently in his seat, the edge in his voice unmistakable.

“You are willfully avoiding the point. Physically binding yourself to your prime suspect, sleeping in the same room, is an unprecedented risk.”

“Kira is an unprecedented killer.”

“A risk,” Watari continued, his voice growing louder, “which is compounded exponentially by the fact that you are engaging in a sexual relationship with this suspect.”

A ringing silence fell between them. L met Watari’s accusatory stare defiantly. Even though Watari had taken care of the recording and painstakingly covered L’s tracks the night he’d helped Light back into his clothes, they had never spoken openly to each other about the situation. After what seemed like a very long time Watari looked away, bringing the fingertips of one hand to his temple in a gesture of weariness.

“In spite of your considerable intellect you are still a human being. More to the point you are still a young man. I understand this. However, I believe that your desire for Light Yagami will cause you to make an irreparable mistake if you allow it free reign,” he met L’s gaze again, his expression shrewd, “I am correct, of course, in assuming that you want the surveillance equipment in your apartment to be adjusted at specified times so that your activities will go undocumented.”

L chose not to address the accuracy of Watari’s deduction and took a moment to collect his thoughts before answering.

“Ever since I took up this case I knew that it was going to be a different kind of investigation. Kira can operate alone, his powers are supernatural, there’s a very good chance that physical evidence of these crimes does not actually exist. If it does exist then the only hope we have is to capture him in the very act of killing. That means getting close to him, putting myself in mortal peril-”

“-But does _not justify-_ ”

“He chose this!” L snapped, finally losing his patience, “He propositioned _me_ , Watari. My enemy voluntarily exposed his weapon, his vulnerability, and his desire all at once. I would not be worth the faith that has been placed in me if I didn’t take advantage of that.”

Watari watched him. His earlier anger had burned away and the old man looked thoughtful, almost pitying. 

“You will not be worth the faith that has been placed in you if you willfully put yourself in a position to fall in love with Light Yagami.”

L blinked, biting back his indignation with difficulty. Watari was being insubordinate, was dismissing his reasoning as though he were an irresponsible teenager. He was also right. Of course he was right. Using Light Yagami’s own tactics against him did not necessitate sleeping with him. _That was supposed to be a perk._ He sat back and looked up at the ceiling, relenting.

“What do I need to do for you to agree to the plan?”

He could feel Watari watching him and waited. When the other man spoke his voice was calm and businesslike once more.

“If the apartment’s primary camera system is going to be diverted at a scheduled time every day, say, eleven o’clock at night until five o’clock in the morning-”

“ _Five?_ ”

L could have sworn that he saw the corner of Watari’s mouth twitch, although with his mustache it was difficult to tell.

“Or seven, I’m speaking hypothetically, then there needs to be a secondary camera system which doesn’t appear on the official tech schematics. I will take personal responsibility for this system and I alone will be monitoring you during that time. All footage will be automatically deleted unless I determine that it contains information relevant to the Kira investigation.”

He paused for a moment, as though giving L the opportunity to object, but L was too distracted by the bizarre idea of Watari watching him fuck Light to think of anything to say. Watari went on.

“The handcuffs you’ve suggested will be custom-made and programmed to release with a numerical passcode entered manually on a small keypad. You will keep this code secret and I will insist that you change it on a daily basis. I have final say on everything that enters your rooms, from soap to kitchen utensils.”

Watari fell silent once more, watching him. L realized that the other man was hesitating, as though he anticipated that what he was about to say might be upsetting.

“What is it, Watari?”

Watari looked down at his folded hands, his voice solemn.

“I will also need the authority to neutralize Light Yagami should it become necessary.”

L had been expecting that. He didn’t respond and Watari continued.

“I am sure that you understand the necessity. I give you my word that, should the situation arise, I will make every attempt to avoid killing him. If he moves to attack or kill you during the hours in which the secondary camera system is engaged I will be the only witness to the crime. If you are killed or incapacitated it is likely that I will have a small window of opportunity in which to capture him before he kills Miss Amane and the other members of the task force. If I have to I will kill Light Yagami and use the footage as evidence and justification for my actions. I will ask that you brief the international law enforcement agencies in preparation for that scenario.”

Silence fell between them again as they regarded each other.

“I agree to your terms,” said L.

“Then I will agree to your plan,” said Watari.

There was a beeping sound from the laptop which was open on the small table next to them. They both looked at the screen and were given a view of the interior of a car. The camera was inside the rear-view mirror, allowing them to see half of Soichiro’s face and the top of his shoulder as he sat in the driver’s seat. Behind him Light and Misa were looking confused and nervous, their hair long and unkempt, their hands still bound. 

Soichiro had parked the car, turned off the engine, and was now going through with the act as L had instructed him. He was going to point a gun in his son’s face and fire a blank cartridge, the idea being that if Light or Misa were Kira and the Second Kira, they would surely attempt to kill Soichiro in order to save themselves. 

L was barely aware of the unfolding drama within the car. He was watching Light’s face and wondering which one of them would be the first to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the dynamic between Watari and L in this scene, one of those "petulant child, exasperated parent" kind of things. I also love the idea that Watari is completely unfazed by the idea of watching two guys have sex, and not because he's a voyeur or anything, he just doesn't care. Like earlier in the story when L's watching Light masturbate and he can't really tell if Watari noticed or not. Lol Watari's been around the block a few times, he's seen some shit :D


	10. Cease-Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light, post-fight :)

August 2, 2004

 

They were standing side by side at the white vanity in their bathroom, brushing their teeth. The long chain of the handcuffs that joined them clinked against the tiled floor occasionally as one or the other moved. L was grateful that someone had had the foresight to install two sinks in the room. He caught Light trying to glance at him discreetly in the mirror every now and then and ignored it. 

There was a bruise darkening along L’s jaw which matched the black eye Light had given him. L winced and withdrew the toothbrush from his mouth, then probed inside tentatively with his index finger. One of his back molars was very loose. L consoled himself by noting the damage Light had sustained; his bruised knuckles and cheek, the way he winced when he went to sit or stand, no doubt a result of L kicking him in the stomach. 

“Serves you right,” Light said suddenly, looking at L in the mirror.

“You think so?”

Light rinsed off his toothbrush and put it down on the vanity.

“I understand that you’re disappointed; I would be too. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to give up and feel sorry for yourself.”

L was too tired to disguise the anger that flared up inside of him. Light looked gratified to have gotten a response, which only incensed him further.

“I have no intention of giving up, Yagami-kun. As I explained earlier, I’m only human.”

Light turned his head to look at him directly, matching the aggression in L’s tone.

“That’s good to know, because I’m not giving up either. I want to catch Kira just as much as you do.”

L was still watching Light in the mirror, keeping his expression blank while his mind worked. _What if he really is that good of an actor? What if he intentionally gave himself away as Kira so that this performance would look genuine in comparison?_ No matter what Light and the other investigators said, no matter what evidence was placed in front of him, L could not bring himself to admit that his theory had been wrong. His mind returned to it stubbornly, like a hungry dog returning to an empty food dish in an abandoned house, expecting each time to be satisfied. 

Light looked down at his hands, which were resting on the gleaming white surface of the vanity. There was a thoughtful, almost sad expression on his face. L couldn’t help himself.

“What is it, Light?”

The boy shifted his weight from one foot to the other, still looking at his hands. He seemed to be having difficulty putting his thoughts into words.

“I was just thinking about being ‘only human’. Do you ever wish that you could be…more than human?”

L did turn to face him at that.

“What do you mean?”

Light looked up quickly.

“I don’t mean like a god or anything, just…better, I guess. It seems too easy to use humanity as an excuse. It’s certainly not a good enough defense in court when someone commits a serious crime but people use it constantly for all of the little crimes they commit against each other every day.”

L tilted his head to the side, intrigued by the unexpected turn their conversation had taken and very curious to hear what this strange new Light had to say about morality.

“You’re saying that my getting discouraged about the case was a ‘little crime’?”

Light must have been able to tell that L was amused by him because a smile was hovering in the corners of his mouth as he attempted to explain his reasoning.

“Considering the people all over the world who are relying on you to save mankind from Kira, the time and money that’s been put into this case and the law enforcement officers who’ve already risked and lost their lives, yes, I think your attitude is a kind of crime.”

The almost-smile had vanished completely during this pronouncement and in its place was a look of accusation so righteous that L was almost chastened by it. He watched Light, waiting. Melancholy settled over the boy’s face again and L was unsurprised when Light was the first to look away. 

“It was a kind of crime to make me believe that my own father was going to kill me, and it was a kind of crime to use sex to try to get me to slip up and give something away.”

It was the first time that the subject had come up between them since that night. L allowed his voice to be gentle.

“If you are Kira, then both of those actions were justified.”

Light rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest.

“Of course, you had no choice; the most brilliant investigative mind in the world had to phone-fuck his prisoner because there was just no other way of getting information. What a selfless piece of detective work.” 

Even though it was slightly uncomfortable to have his own hypocrisy thrown in his face with such sarcasm, L couldn’t help but note that he’d never seen Light Yagami do so many age-appropriate things at once.

“You’re right. I was motivated by my own desires as much as anything else, and human fallibility is not a good enough excuse given the seriousness of the situation,” he raised an eyebrow, “but the fact that it was, in part, a strategic manipulation could not have come as a complete surprise to you. You’re far too intelligent to be that naïve.”

Light’s expression was unreadable. They stood facing each other in silence for a long moment.

“Good point,” Light said finally, “I don’t have much room to judge.”

There was a rush of movement and then Light’s tongue was in L’s mouth. L moaned and pulled Light to him, his body aching with bruises and need. 

“I checked the schematics,” Light breathed as L bit his neck, “the cameras in here have been programmed to turn off between eleven and six. Did you do that on purpose?”

L grinned.

“It’s entirely possible.”

He pulled Light’s shirt over his head, reveling in the warmth of his skin, his smell, the way his hair was caught by static electricity as the fabric came away from it. There was a large dark bruise over Light’s stomach and L dropped to his knees, tonguing it gently. Light sighed even as he flinched, his fingers stroking through L’s hair. L felt laughter go through Light and looked up at him.

“What is it?”

Light held up his right arm. His shirt had traveled down it and was currently hanging from the chain of their handcuffs.

“This could make things awkward.”

L smiled.

“Indeed.”

He stood up, considering, then turned and walked into the kitchen with Light following as the chain clinked between them. 

“What are you doing?” Light asked, amused, “Can’t you just use the release combination?”

“Yes, but this is more fun.” 

Together they searched the cabinets and drawers, laughing at their own urgency, until L found a pair of scissors. He immediately cut the shirt free while Light giggled.

“You bastard, that was a perfectly good shirt.”

“Here,” L said, handing Light the scissors, “take your revenge.”

For a moment Light looked at him in disbelief and L imagined the expression on Watari’s face as he watched his unarmed protégé hand scissors to a suspected serial killer. Light grinned and began cutting a line up the left sleeve of L’s shirt. Once the fabric had fallen away L pulled Light to him again and they kissed against the stainless steel refrigerator. Although he didn’t like the fact that Watari was watching them it was surprisingly easy to push the thought away as he felt Light’s erection pressing against him. He began maneuvering them backwards into the bedroom, unbuttoning Light’s pants and then his own. By the time they reached Light’s bed they had stepped out of the last of their clothes. L grinned and pushed Light, none too gently, backwards onto the bed. Light moved to the middle of the mattress, propping himself up on his elbows. L stepped up onto the bed, already hard with anticipation, and looked down at the expression of excitement and nervousness on Light’s face. A thought occurred to him and he got down on his knees.

“Have you ever had sex with a man before, Light?”

Light’s smile faded a little.

"No."

“Have you ever had sex before?”

Color crept into the boy’s cheeks and he shook his head, trying and failing to look casual.

“Does that matter?”

L tilted his head.

“No, it’s just unexpected. You would seem to be what is commonly considered ‘quite a catch’.”

Light grinned and sat up, his face tipped back to L and his voice low.

“Then hurry up and catch me.”


	11. Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light has a nightmare and I pretend that BABYMETAL existed in 2004 :)

August 15, 2004

 

_Panic._

_The woman was walking ahead of him, away from him, her hair rippling across her shoulders like a black flag. Light could taste snow on the air. He had to catch her, had to stop her, otherwise everything would be lost. He walked faster to catch up and stepped in front of her, making her stop. She was beautiful even as mistrust darkened her features, her cold eyes watching him. Light could feel his mouth moving but couldn’t hear the words coming from it. Something was behind him; he couldn’t make his head turn to look but he thought he could hear breathing that wasn’t his own, wasn’t the woman’s . He looked at his watch. When he looked back at the woman she changed, something broke and fell away like the first crumbling piece of snow right before an avalanche. The blood drained from her face and her eyes widened, her mouth going slack. She looked at him as though she could no longer see him, as though she could no longer see anything. Snow began to fall around them like ashes. The woman turned away slowly, stiffly, like a ballerina in a jewelry box. He tried to call after her but she was walking away from him again, and this time he let her._

_“You seem to be enjoying it.”_

_Light jumped and turned around, trembling violently. L was standing barefoot in the snow, seemingly oblivious to the cold. The rush of relief Light felt upon seeing him was short-lived as he realized that something was wrong. L’s expression was distant and unreadable. Light looked over his shoulder but there was no sight of the woman. They were alone on the sidewalk as the snow fell around them. As he turned back to L there was movement in the corner of his eye, a swift shadow which vanished at once. Light was still shaking and took a step closer to L, lifting up his hands._

_“What did you say?”_

_L said nothing, but continued to watch him in a way that made Light scared, as though he was being seen and not seen at the same time. He tried to smile._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_He touched L’s face and gasped as the skin suddenly hardened beneath his hand. L’s eyes widened and it looked as though he was trying to speak but couldn’t. Instead he crumpled to the ground as Light tried to catch him, crying out in alarm._

_“What is it? What’s happening?”_

_L was becoming colder and heavier in Light’s arms, his eyes fixed on Light, silent and terrible. Light wanted to call for help, to lift his head and cast around desperately for someone, anyone, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t look away. L was becoming ice, and then he was becoming snow, his skin turning white and flaking away from his bones as his mouth opened to speak-_

 

Light opened his eyes.

His heart was pounding and he couldn’t catch his breath.

Something was in the room.

He sat up and blinked into the darkness, forcing himself to look. The room was clean with pale colors, virtually unadorned. _There’s nothing in here,_ he told himself. It was just a dream. Soft white curtains had been drawn across one of the walls and he remembered that it wasn’t a wall, but a window. He was at task force headquarters in the apartment he shared with L, who wasn’t in his own bed or Light’s. Automatically Light looked down at his wrist where the handcuff was still attached, his eyes following the chain to where the other cuff lay open on the floor between their beds. 

Frowning, Light pulled back his covers and got out of bed, gathering the long chain into his hands. A bathrobe was hanging from a hook inside the closet and he put it on, along with a pair of pajama pants from the dresser. Their bedroom opened onto the living room, where he found L folded into the plush cushions of the black leather sofa. A large flat screen television was mounted to the wall opposite and a late night music show was playing. The coffee table in front of the couch was littered with empty food wrappers, tea cups, and a handsome leather-bound edition of _Sherlock Holmes_ in English. L was wearing his customary uniform; white shirt, pajama pants, no socks, his hair a small dark explosion. He didn’t turn his head as Light entered the room.

“Trouble sleeping?”

Light smiled and walked over to the couch, then hesitated, uncertain. L looked up at him for a moment before stretching out his arm. Grateful, Light deposited the chain onto the couch and sat down. L’s arm curled around him and Light closed his eyes, resting his head on L’s shoulder. The host of the music show was interviewing a group of girls in Victorian baby doll dresses who danced and sang to aggressive metal music. Light laughed and looked up at L.

“Is this what you do while I sleep?”

L smiled and shrugged.

“One of the great benefits of insomnia. No one knows more about pop culture than I do.”

They were quiet a moment, watching the girls sing a song about chocolate while the men playing electric guitars behind them whipped their hair in violent circles. 

“Did you have a nightmare?” 

Light shifted uncomfortably.

“Why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering; you seemed to be having one last night too.”

Light opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. He’d been having nightmares for the past two weeks and not always about Naomi Misora. He saw the man who’d tried to hijack his bus lying on the pavement as blood poured from his crushed skull. He watched men collapse in the street, on subway platforms, he watched them open their veins and smear blood on the walls, watched their eyes roll back in their heads as they fell still. Every time he woke it was the same; a breathless moment when he couldn’t remember what was real and was convinced that he’d seen a large feathered shape move in the shadows. Early on as he’d been going through the case files, searching for leads, he’d experienced a jarring realization that all of the people he’d been seeing in his nightmares were among Kira’s known or presumed victims. He’d told himself that it was stress, that he’d spent so much time studying pictures of victims and crime scenes that it was only natural for them to invade his subconscious. 

“Light?”

He blinked and turned his face to L’s neck, breathing in the smell of his clothes and skin. L’s arm tightened around him in response and Light sighed.

“Sorry, it’s nothing.”

A new segment of the show began and Misa’s bright voice suddenly burst into the room with them. L laughed and Light groaned, rolling his eyes. Misa was in full pop star mode, meticulously styled from head to toe, beaming and nodding at the host as they discussed her hopes for breaking into film. 

“Isn’t this the interview she was talking about during your last date?”

Light nodded.

“Yah, she had just come back from filming it.”

“You are unfailingly patient with Misa-san, Light, even though you seem uninterested in her.”

Light frowned, looking up at him.

“I’m not interested in her; I’m just trying to be polite.”

L didn’t answer right away, his eyes still focused on the television screen where Misa giggled and shook her shiny yellow hair from her shoulders.

“Of course,” he said finally. Feeling unnerved, Light tried to think of a distraction and smirked up at L.

“You’re not jealous, are you?”

The corner of L’s mouth twitched.

“Who wouldn’t be? She’s a very pretty girl.”

Light grinned and sat up, elbowing him.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

L raised his non-existent eyebrows and blinked innocently.

“Do I?”

Light climbed onto L’s lap, blocking his view of the screen and laughing as L made a show of trying to peek around him. Light caught his face in his hands and kissed him, pressing against L as the other man’s arms wrapped around him, then gave a start of surprise when L suddenly pushed him from his lap and back onto the couch, roughly maneuvering him onto his stomach. Light barely had time to sweep the long chain of the handcuffs onto the floor before his arms were pulled back as L took off his bathrobe, which was quickly followed by his pants being yanked down over his hips. Light twisted at the waist, trying to roll over, and was pushed firmly back down onto the couch. He heard footsteps as L went back into their bedroom and waited, loving and hating the anticipation. 

When the footsteps returned he looked up expectantly. L was standing above him, still clothed, his cock straining against the front of his pants, looking at Light with undisguised hunger. 

“It must be hard for you,” Light teased, “having to sit off to the side and watch me pay attention to someone other than you.”

L smirked and walked out of Light’s range of vision. A moment later the couch sank as his weight was added to it and he slapped Light’s ass hard enough to make him gasp in pain and surprise, the sound of it ringing in his ears. L was braced on one hand above him as he stroked Light’s nipples with the other. He had taken off his clothes and Light moaned as he felt L’s naked cock between his legs, rubbing against his thighs, the head of it nudging his sack. L’s lips brushed against his ear.

“I wouldn’t say that it’s hard, Light Yagami, after all, other things are certainly _harder_.”

He sat back and spanked Light again, thrusting between his legs.

“ _Shit_ ,” Light gasped. 

“Too hard for you, perhaps?”

Light shook his head at once.

“No…I actually, I like it, this way.”

L’s strong hands smoothed over Light’s stinging skin and traveled up his back, kneading the muscles as they went until they reached Light’s shoulders. His voice was rough as he continued to thrust between Light’s legs.

“And what way would that be?”

“It’s- _oh_ -I…I don’t know…”

L’s hands were gone for a moment and then reappeared as Light felt a slick fingertip probe him before sliding into his body.

“This way?” L asked, a smile in his voice.

“Yes.”

The first finger was soon joined by a second, working in and out of him. Light’s forehead dropped against the couch and he moved his hips in time with L’s fingers, whimpering, his cock so hard that it was becoming painful. 

“This way?”

“Yes,” Light breathed.

The fingers were gone and after the rip of a condom wrapper L’s cock was pushing into him, making him buck as he groaned in pain and pleasure. L’s fingers were digging into his hips and Light clenched his fists, unable to stop the sounds coming from his mouth as L’s cock drove into him over and over again. He could hear L breathing hard, biting back his own groans of need. Light pictured the muscles moving under L’s skin as he fucked him and felt precum drip from his cock. One of L’s arms moved under his torso, pulling Light up onto his knees. The new position changed the angle of L’s thrusts and Light cried out. L was stroking his cock now, his other arm holding Light against him while he bit and sucked Light’s neck.

“ _This way_ ,” he whispered into Light’s ear.

Light turned his head and his response was lost as L kissed him.

_Yes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the longest time I had it as a black suede couch, and then as I was prepping this chapter for posting I realized that that wouldn't work at all. There's no way they'd be keeping that thing clean ;)


	12. The Loose Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L interrogates Light and admits something to himself.

October 15, 2004

 

L washed his hands and face, wincing a little as his fingertips brushed the edge of the black eye Light had given him that morning. He had been noting its progress off and on throughout the day as it swelled and darkened. In the bathroom mirror he could see the glowing numbers of the microwave clock and watched them as he brushed his teeth. By the time he was done it was just past eleven. He walked across the apartment without making a sound, stopping in the doorway of their bedroom.

A section of curtain was moving, glowing with streetlight as it billowed and shrank, pulled by the night wind. As soon as they’d returned to the apartment L had unlocked his own handcuff and Light had gone straight into their bedroom without looking at him, the chain of the handcuffs dragging behind him like an empty leash. He’d disappeared behind the curtain, sliding open a section of the window that led to the apartment’s balcony. It had been almost two hours and he hadn’t come back inside. Even though he knew he wasn’t welcome L stepped into the room and walked to the open window. Careful to make no sound, he stood and watched. Whenever the curtain pushed into the room he was given a glimpse of Light looking out over the city, leaning forward so that his elbows rested on the metal rail of the balcony. The cool breeze pushed his soft hair back from his forehead like an unseen hand, made his shirt hug to his arms and chest, the collar lifting to touch his long neck. The moon was rising into a clear black sky and illuminated the smooth swirling cartilage of one perfect ear. Light Yagami, age eighteen. 

He’d done good work that day. L wasn’t too proud to acknowledge that Light had been exceptional, had advanced the case substantially with one masterful stroke that L himself hadn’t even considered. The boy was a genius, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to L that Light would also work out his current theory about Kira. 

It was the only scenario that fit the case in a way that satisfied L and matched the profile of his enemy. Kira was nothing if not ambitious. If the killing power could be transferred at will, forgotten and reclaimed like a lost password, Kira would have an almost perfect method for creating the illusion of innocence. The task force’s greatest strength was that their number was small, that L as their leader was almost completely anonymous. However, this was also their most dangerous weakness. If Light could convince the others of his innocence and cultivate one or more accomplices outside the team to do his bidding, it would be alarmingly easy for him to kill L and take his place. 

_Ryuzaki, if I capture the current Kira, after that, do you really think I would become Kira? Become a murderer? Do I really look like that kind of person?_

_That’s what I think, and that’s how you look._

The first thing to register in Light’s eyes after L had made this pronouncement was pain, deep and real. It was followed swiftly by anger, betrayal, and for a moment L had pitied Light. With Soichiro and the rest of the task force watching he was unable to give voice to the full depths of his anger, his sense of ill-use in the knowledge that L touched him every night still thinking him guilty.

Light glanced over his shoulder at L and for a long moment they regarded each other as the curtain moved between them. L stepped out onto the balcony and Light returned to his contemplation of the city below them, his mouth set in a bitter line. L stood next to him at the rail. From this height the people on the street below were barely distinguishable from the shadows they moved between and the cars slid by like hard-shelled metallic beetles.

“Why did you say it?” Light asked quietly.

“Because you’re not telling me the truth.”

Light turned to face him, glaring, and the bruises along his jaw and cheekbone from where L had retaliated were visible. Violence was becoming the public language of their private relationship. L was grateful for the shadows obscuring his own face as he felt sadness cross his features. Recovering quickly, he turned towards Light and put his hands in his pockets, assuming his preferred interrogative stance.

“Light,” he began slowly, “Did you ever meet Naomi Misora?”

An almost imperceptible spark of fear in the boy’s eyes.

“No.”

“You’re lying.”

Light swallowed, his former indignation gone.

“Just once. At police headquarters.”

“What were you doing there?”

“I was bringing a change of clothes for my dad.”

“And?”

A hesitation.

“I wanted to see if I could find out how the investigation was going.”

“Why?”

Light looked away impatiently.

“Why do you think? Because I was interested.”

“What was Naomi Misora doing there?”

Light folded his arms across his chest as though resigning himself to the fact that L would not be deterred by his anger.

“She was looking for the investigation team. She said that she had information for them.”

“What happened next?”

“They wouldn’t let her through so she left the station and I followed her. I told her who I was and that I could call my dad for her once he turned his cell phone back on. While we waited we talked.”

L felt as though he could picture the scene perfectly. Kira, caught off-guard, would have had to think quickly in order to stay close to Naomi until he could ascertain just how much of a threat she presented. He imagined Light assessing the situation and adopting the appropriate persona; guileless, kind, subtly flattering. Even with her considerable intelligence and intuition Naomi would have been at her most vulnerable, grieving for her fiancé, driven by a desire for revenge and frustrated by the limitations of her civilian status. 

“What did you talk about?”

“I can’t remember.”

“You’re sure?”

Light nodded. He seemed to believe what he was saying but L could still sense his anxiety, could all but smell it. He kept himself patient, holding on to the loose thread. 

“Obviously she never got in touch with us. How did the two of you part?”

“She left.”

L blinked.

“What?”

“She left. We were talking and then she walked away. I called after her but she wouldn’t come back.”

“And you don’t remember any part of the conversation?”

Light shook his head.

“I’m guessing it was about the case, but no...I don’t remember.”

L frowned, unsettled. The only way Kira would let someone like Naomi Misora walk away was if he believed that the threat wasn’t serious enough to act on, or if he’d gathered enough information to control her from a distance. The boy standing before him in the moonlight waited, watching, his arms still folded across his chest as the night wind grew colder. His beauty was staggering, as delicately crafted as a Renaissance painting but so much better. L clenched his fists in his pockets.

“Why didn’t you tell us about this before?” he asked quietly, “Because you knew how it would look?”

Light shifted, visibly uncomfortable but unable to look away. L continued in the same calm tone.

“You’re my only suspect Light. No matter how I turn this case in my mind, no matter what angle I look at it from, all I can see is you. You can’t remember what you talked about with Misora because it’s a memory of Kira. A memory of the power that’s been erased from your mind,” he paused, “You’re afraid I’m right. I can see it in your eyes.”

Something broke in Light’s expression as he took a step backward, meeting the side rail of the balcony. He looked away, eyes darting a little as though in search of help, and slowly sank into a sitting position on the cold concrete. He said nothing. L hesitated, then stepped forward and squatted in front of Light. The sides of the balcony were composed of closely placed iron slats, slicing Light with barred shadows. 

L knew that his deduction had been flawless but he felt no victory in it. If his theory about Kira was correct then Light and Misa’s current ignorance was more than a strategic illusion, it was real to them, yet another example of the unspeakable cruelty that typified Kira. Light had pulled his knees up to his chest and folded his arms over them. The skin of his wrist was reddened where the handcuff gripped it and the chain lay in a glinting pile at his side. Tears shone on his bruised face and there was a deep unspoken terror in his eyes.

“L...” Light’s voice broke on the syllable. He opened his mouth to go on but closed it again as more tears welled in his eyes.

_Why did you say it?_

L had said it because it was true, but he had also said it because he was in love with Light. In spite of himself, in spite of Watari, in spite of everything, L loved Light desperately, and that was unacceptable. 

Light rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes like a child.

“Do you still want me to be Kira?”

He said it without looking at L and the hopelessness in his voice suggested which answer he was anticipating. 

“No,” L replied, “I don’t want you to be Kira.”

Light blinked in surprise, shivering as a strong gust of wind cut through the balcony. L stood up and held out his hand, which Light took as he got to his feet. L led him back into the apartment and slid the window closed behind them. He could barely see Light in the dimness of their bedroom but he didn’t need to see him to touch him. L found the handcuff and deftly entered the combination. It clicked open and was cast aside as he brought Light’s wrist to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has ended up being one of my favorite chapters in the story, even though not a lot happens in it. Just proud of this one :)


	13. Possibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the eve of battle Light thinks about the future.

October 27, 2004

 

The trap was set, and for the first time in weeks Light felt as though they might actually have a chance. Today they were going to catch Higuchi in the act of attempted murder; they were going to discover the source of Kira’s power and maybe, just maybe, bring the case to a close. _And we’ll prove that it’s not me,_ he thought, tipping his head back against the mattress as the tip of L’s tongue traveled up his neck. _If we can prove it’s Higuchi and destroy the power it can never be me…_

L had given the investigation team the night off to celebrate, to see their families, even just to sleep, which was something that most of them hadn’t done for days. Since he and Light couldn’t leave headquarters Matsuda had been sent out to get takeaway food for them before he left for the night. The coffee table in the living room was still covered with cartons and bento boxes from where they’d sat on the floor eating and watching TV. At eleven they’d gone into the bedroom.

Now it was almost two and L stretched Light’s arms above his head, their fingers laced together as he kissed him. Light couldn’t imagine a more perfect feeling; L was deliberately taking his time, mining Light’s body with his hands, his mouth and his cock, summoning wave after wave of pleasure which would build but never break. It was almost unbearable and Light never wanted it to end.

“L?”

“Yes, Light?” 

The murmur of L’s voice hummed as his lips moved against Light’s ear, making his muscles twitch involuntarily, pulling L further inside of him. Light struggled to remember what he was going to say.

“What…what are we going to do after we catch Kira?”

The gentle rocking motion of L’s hips slowed to a stop and he let go of Light’s hands, pulling back a little to look at him. His skin was flushed and his bangs were starting to clump together with sweat. Light reached up to push the hair back from his forehead. Although L was six years older he didn’t look it, his face smooth and unlined from lack of sunlight. His eyes, however, were much older, round as birds’ eggs and black as ink.

“What do you mean?”

Light smiled and shrugged.

“Just, in general, I mean, are you going to leave Japan? I don’t even know where you live.”

“I live in England,” L said after a moment, “but if a suspect is caught I will remain in Japan until that suspect’s sentence is carried out and the case is officially closed.”

Light continued to run his fingers through L’s hair, combing it back from his face.

“If there’s a trial that could take years; I might even have finished college by the time it’s done.”

L was still watching him with the hint of a frown, as though unsure of what Light was getting at. Light smiled again, hoping he didn’t look as nervous or as self-conscious as he felt.

“What if I came with you?”

L didn’t respond, didn’t move, and Light went on in a rush.

“I could move to England and work with you as an investigator; we could travel the world solving cases together-”

L shook his head and started to pull away.

“Light-”

“Wait, no, no,” Light said, holding onto his shoulders, “just hear me out; I’m not asking to move in with you or anything like that, I just, I want to be with you, and I was wondering if it might be what you wanted too.”

To his surprise he saw undisguised pain on L’s face as the other man grimaced and looked away, closing his eyes. Light raised himself from the bed as much as he could.

“What’s wrong? I’m sorry if, I didn’t mean to-”

L shook his head again and laid it on Light’s chest, wrapping his arms around him.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” he said, his voice quiet, “but we shouldn’t talk about this tonight.”

Light closed his eyes. He could feel the wonderful ache of L still buried inside of him, their hearts beating together. 

“I love you, L.”

Silence again. Just as Light was starting to feel that he shouldn’t have said anything, L withdrew his arms and moved up to kiss Light’s forehead, cupping the side of his face.

“L-”

“Shh,” L admonished gently, kissing Light’s mouth and cheeks, his eyelids and his ears. The smooth rocking of his hips resumed and Light felt like a boat being lulled by a powerful ocean as he moaned into L’s hair. Their hands followed each other over their bodies and the bed, a slow delirious hunt through heated woods, pursuer and pursued stumbling against one another, lost in need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be on the road tomorrow so I'm posting this early. The next couple chapters are going to be a little shorter, I'm sorry about that but I'm trying to roll out some suspense here :)


	14. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Higuchi is captured and the notebook is discovered.

October 28, 2004

 

The situation was worse, the implications more sweeping and dire, than he had ever anticipated and yet, even now, L’s dread was almost eclipsed by excitement. With each passing minute a new piece of the puzzle fell into his hands; magic eyes that allowed you to know a person just by seeing them, invisible death gods walking the earth, life traded for power, and a plain black notebook that could kill anyone, anywhere in the world. Thoughts were falling into his mind like rain and he raced to keep up with them, trying to focus as the picture finally, _finally_ began to take shape.

Higuchi had been pulled from his car into the spotlights of the police cars and helicopters. His gun was seized and a blindfold wrapped over his eyes. L and Light were both leaning forward in their seats, straining to see what was going on through the helicopter’s windshield, the voices of Soichiro and the others coming in through the earpieces on their headsets. 

The officers gathered around Higuchi began to cry out in fear and confusion, staggering backwards in a horrible chain reaction as the notebook was pulled from Higuchi’s bag and haphazardly traveled from one pair of shaking hands to the next. The inside of the helicopter was filled with their frantic, overlapping explanations. Touching the notebook allowed you to see a supernatural being. L absorbed this. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Light, his fingers pressing against his earpiece and holding the mic of the headset steady in front of his mouth, his eyes wide, amazement and fear written clearly across his features. 

L spoke into his own microphone, ordering that the notebook be brought to him. Soichiro picked his way carefully between the police cars, holding the notebook in front of him, and L watched it approach, his senses expanding beyond his body, trying to see everything, notice everything, remember everything. The result of this willed awareness was a state of detachment so complete that when L finally lifted the notebook from Soichiro’s hands and turned his head to see the shinigami he didn’t even flinch.

It looked the way death should look, he thought calmly. Enormous and made of bones, held together by nothing. Its eyes were yellow and he could just make out the points of fangs between its dark lips. 

“A shinigami,” he whispered, “so they do exist.”

The situation was worse, so much worse. Enormous and made of bones. The rain was trickling through his fingers as he tried to hold onto it all, tried to think about the next step. The chain of the handcuffs gave a metallic rattle as Light leaned across the space between them and took the notebook from L’s hands.

L turned his head just as Light began to scream.


	15. Illusion

October 29, 2004

 

Whenever Light thought of optical illusions the first thing that came to mind was an illustration he had seen once in a book. A young man and woman were seated at a spindly table in a small alcove, framed by the light from what looked like a party in the background, the man’s hands clasped between them in praise or supplication. Death was supposed to be the hidden picture within this scene but at first glance you saw the skull. The lovers’ blissfully unaware faces were its eyes, their glasses of wine its teeth, their torsos were its jaw and cheekbones. Light had stared at the image, trying to see one picture without seeing the other and wondering what the illusion was supposed to be. He had come to the conclusion that the artist hadn’t intended to fool the viewer, but was merely illustrating the obliviousness of his subjects.

Regaining his memories of the notebook made him feel as though, for the past five months, he’d only been able to see one picture in what was so obviously two. There were moments when he could barely keep himself from shaking his head and smiling at the absurdity of it. 

L had touched his shoulder in the helicopter right after it happened, asking if he was ok, and Light, still trembling, had experienced the bizarre double vision of feeling and remembering two separate realities simultaneously. _Except that they were never separate at all_ , he reminded himself, _just one hidden under the other._ The totality of his success was disorienting; it made him giddy. Picking up the reigns of his plan once more he’d killed Higuchi easily with the scrap of Death Note paper hidden inside of his watch and the investigation team had returned to headquarters with the notebook and Rem in tow. All of them had spent the night in feverish discussion, sustained by their adrenaline as they talked through these revelations like children trying to match square, triangular, and circular blocks to their respective holes. Light played his part effortlessly, pretending to share their concerns and questions. 

L was absorbed in the notebook, speaking little, pouring over the “rules” written inside of it. He was so focused, in fact, that it took Light most of the night to realize that L knew. They had been looking at the notebook, L perched on a chair and Light standing next to him, the chain of the handcuffs still connecting them, and Light had passed L a cup of coffee. The moment was so brief, so subtle, that at first Light couldn’t decide whether or not he’d imagined it. L took the cup of coffee from him and Light felt it; a twitch, like the repulsion of incorrectly matched magnets approaching each other. L had thanked him without looking up and the moment was over, the game had changed. Although he wasn’t sure when L had realized or what had given him away, Light couldn’t help but feel relieved. It didn’t matter if L knew, or thought he knew. Light still had the upper hand and he was going to win.


	16. Requiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light talk about truth on a rooftop.

_I opened to my beloved,_  
_But my beloved had turned and was gone._  
_My soul failed me when he spoke._  
_I sought him, but did not find him._  
_I called him, but he gave no answer._

~

November 5, 2004

 

He had failed. L knew that now. He had lost the game and Kira had won. His foe’s sword had not only outsmarted him but had pierced his heart on its way, the only outcome that L had not truly prepared himself for. And now it was too late. Kira wasn’t scared, wasn’t running, hadn’t even broken a sweat. Kira was waiting. L closed his eyes and listened to the sound of rain falling through the miles of cloud and air above him to hit one hundred rooftops. _Everything is still going according to his plan_ , he thought. This certainty was followed by another. Under no circumstance could he let the task force realize this. At the very least perhaps he could delay their deaths, could make sure that he remained the target, the threat.

L searched his mind, trying to discern if there had been a moment when he had known, a premonition in the beginning that this would be the case that would defeat him. As a rule L was not one to give himself over to sentimentality, much less romantic poeticism, but for a moment he imagined himself a child again, before the orphanage, before his schooling. He imagined Light Yagami appearing to him in a dream and taking his hand to show him the secret road of his life, leading him here, always here. This rooftop, this rain, this broken heart. 

A door closed nearby. L pretended not to hear it. 

“What are you doing out here in the rain?”

His heart twisted inside of him at the sound. Kira’s words, speaking to him in Light’s voice. He shuddered and ignored the question. Light repeated himself more loudly and L reluctantly turned his head. Light’s hair had already been darkened by the rain which ran down his neck and under the collar of his white buttoned shirt. 

_You’re gone_ , L thought in something very close to despair, _you’re gone._

Light walked over to him. He was wearing the mask that L remembered, half-smiling in a friendly, amused way, a monster approximating the speech and manners of a person.

“What are you doing, Ryuzaki?” he asked again.

L looked away from him.

“I’m listening to the bells,” he said quietly.

He didn’t need to look at Light to know that the boy was frowning, perplexed.

“The bells?”

“Yes. They’ve been unusually loud today.”

Light was quiet a moment, looking around them as though expecting to see a white steeple or stone cathedral tower.

“I don’t hear anything.”

_Back to the games_ , L thought, almost smiling. He played along, raising his eyebrows in mild surprise.

“Really? You can’t hear it? It’s been ringing nonstop all day; I find it very distracting. I wonder if it’s a church; a wedding, or perhaps…”

The sentence slipped from his grasp, not quite intentionally. Sadness was making it difficult to speak. Amusement flickered around the edges of Light’s face, as though he were waiting for a comedian to deliver the punchline at the end of a belabored joke.

“What are you getting at?” he asked, gesturing towards the door, “C’mon, cut it out. Let’s get back inside.”

“I’m sorry,” L muttered, “Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn’t believe any of it.”

Light gave him a business interview grin.

“You know, you’re totally right. Honestly, most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense. There’d be no end to my troubles if I took you seriously all the time,” he put his hands in his pockets and inclined his head towards L pointedly; “I probably know that better than anyone.”

L clenched his fists in his pockets. It was this that he couldn’t stand; the subtle touches of innuendo, as though Kira just couldn’t help himself. L wanted to kill him, and thought of the sniper currently stationed in the building across from where they were standing. It would be easy, even with the rain. He kept his voice and face expressionless.

“Yes. I would say that’s a fair assessment. But I could say the same about you.”

Light pretended to look confused.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Tell me Light, from the moment you were born has there ever been a point where you actually told the truth?”

The easy confidence slipped from his opponent’s face and L was no longer looking at Kira, but he also had the deeply unsettling impression that he wasn’t looking at Light Yagami either, certainly not the Light Yagami who had kissed him a thousand times and dreamt of living together in England. As usual Light recovered smoothly, hitching the mask back onto his face and shaking his head with a smile.

“Where’s this coming from, Ryuzaki? I do admit that I stretch the truth here and there. However,” he spread his hands like a professor giving a lecture, “find me one person in this world who’s never told a lie. It wouldn’t be easy. Human beings just aren’t made to be perfect like that. Everybody lies from time to time,” he held up a finger, marking a bullet point in his outline, “Even so, I’ve always made a conscious effort to be careful not to tell a lie that might hurt others. That’s my answer.”

All L had to do was give the signal and Light would crumple like a rag doll, his singular mind spilling from his skull in the rain. If there was no evidence to be found he and Watari would cover their tracks and deny everything. Plenty of people wanted Kira dead. L glared at Light’s smug smile for a moment before turning back to the contemplation of his imaginary bells. 

“I had a feeling you’d say something like that.” 

He scanned the darkened windows of the skyscraper opposite and wondered which one the sniper had chosen, if he or she was watching him, waiting for his signal. It was oddly comforting to think that he wasn’t alone in this moment. Abruptly he turned away and started walking towards the door.

“Let’s go back inside, we’re both drenched.”

Light smiled and followed him dutifully. Once inside they descended a small stairway to the building’s top floor. Dim energy-saving lights blinked into life as they walked past but it still felt as though they were in a dark cavern after being outside. L could feel Light walking behind him and tried not to flinch. The top floor was mostly used for storage, large rooms full of backup equipment and supplies, from computer monitors to toilet paper. Light ducked away into one of these, saying he was going to get them towels. As L waited for him in the vast silent space, thinking of all the things that this building had been designed for, all the people and activity it was meant to hold, a sense of neglect and waste came over him. He wondered what would happen to it if Light killed him and took his place. Fifty years from now would this building be honored as the cornerstone of Kira’s global empire?

A small puddle had formed around his feet and he was watching his reflection in it when Light came back, the soles of his wet shoes squeaking on the polished floor. He tossed a towel over L’s head with a playful smile and walked past him to the courtyard, an empty square set a few feet into the floor under a long skylight. Light sat down on the steps leading into it and began drying himself off. The rain had made his shirt almost translucent and it clung like a second skin to his shoulder blades, following the narrow riverbed of his spine. L watched for a moment, the towel still on his head, before forcing himself to look away.

“Well, that was certainly an unpleasant outing.”

Light chuckled.

“It’s your own fault. I mean, what did you expect?”

L winced without knowing why.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he murmured.

There was an unreality to the moment and he embraced it, walking to the stairs. Light was pressing his face into the towel and L knelt at his feet, pulling off one of the boy’s shoes. Light started and pulled the towel away from his face, his eyes wide.

“What are you doing?” he demanded.

L shrugged.

“I thought I might help you out. You were busy wiping yourself off anyway.”

For all his cool it was obvious that Light was unsettled and L felt an intense, unpleasant satisfaction.

“Look, it’s fine,” Light said, struggling to keep his voice casual, “you don’t have to do that.”

L ignored him and pulled off his wet sock, resisting the urge to smirk and cry simultaneously as he touched Light’s skin. 

“I can give you a massage as well,” he said lightly, looking up, “It’s the least I can do to atone for my sins. I’m actually pretty good at this.”

Light’s eyes narrowed, his expression equal parts dislike and suspicion. L blinked up at him innocently with a small servile smile.

“Fine,” Light muttered, “Do what you want.”

“Alright.”

The silence of the building stretched around them as the rain continued to drum on the glass of the skylight above, mottling the pale grey daylight. Light’s foot was cold and damp. Contrary to what he had said L had never given or received a foot massage in his life, but the concept wasn’t difficult and it gave his mind something to focus on as he kneaded Light’s foot with his thumbs. The boy jerked suddenly with a sound of pain.

“Hey!”

L didn’t look up.

“You’ll get used to it.”

To his surprise Light made no further protests as he continued his ministrations, even though L felt him twitch in discomfort every few seconds. Light shifted slightly above him and a moment later a towel was being pressed to L’s hair. 

“Here,” Light said quietly, “you’re still soaked.”

“I’m sorry,” L said automatically.

In his mind he was still crouched on the balcony of their apartment staring into Light’s scared eyes. He was still in the helicopter listening to the terrible sound that had come from Light’s mouth when he touched the notebook. During the long days that had followed he’d come to the conclusion that this must have been the moment when Kira was reawakened. He could think of no other contender. Had Light been aware of what was happening? Had there been a moment, however brief, when he’d been given a choice? L doubted it and thought again of the sniper and the easy solution. Kira certainly didn’t deserve an honorable death but Light did, and as much as he hated to admit it L wanted an honorable victory.

Light’s foot had finally warmed up and he had draped the towel over L’s shoulders. He no longer flinched at L’s touch and was sitting quietly, almost as though he’d fallen asleep.

_I’m sorry_ , L thought, _I’m sorry I didn’t get there in time._ He let go of Light.

“It’ll be lonely, won’t it.”

Light blinked, shaken from his reverie.

“Huh?”

“You and I will be parting ways soon.”

They held each other’s gaze for a long moment before the silence was rent by L’s cellphone, which had begun to ring in his pocket. Still kneeling at Light’s feet he pulled it out and held it to his ear. 

_“The arrangements have been made,”_ Watari said in his steady, reassuring voice.

L watched as Light put his sock and shoe back on.

“I understand. I’m on my way.”

He put the phone back in his pocket and straightened up, holding out a hand. Light took it and allowed L to help pull him to his feet, his expression watchful and curious.

“Well then,” L said with a hollow smile, “seems like it’s all worked out.”

He began walking to the elevator and felt the boy’s eyes on him as he followed. The lights went out behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously I owe this chapter to the Death Note anime. As far as I'm concerned this scene is the anime's most brilliant addition to the story and I had no desire to deviate with it. I added the sniper because I wanted to give L more of a choice here, and I also think it would make sense for L and Watari to have put a last-ditch plan like this in place. Is it a little too angsty and tragic? Maybe, but I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. Credit for the opening poetry goes to Song of Solomon, chapter 5 verse 6.


	17. Memento Mori

November 6, 2004

 

It took Light a moment to notice that his father’s hand was on his shoulder and another still to realize that he had been asked a question.

“I’m sorry?”

“Akiyama-san asked if we would like to stay for the cremation itself.”

His father’s gentle voice and kind expression were in stark contrast to Akiyama, a paunchy potato-faced man in a worn utilitarian jumpsuit who stood with one hand on the lever that would start the conveyer belt, watching them with small button-black eyes and chewing his gum as though determined to punish it. 

Light struggled to focus on anything other than L’s body, which was lying between the three of them in a long tray on the conveyor belt. His eyes had been closed and his arms were limp on either side of his naked torso. A small piece of white linen had been draped over his hips and genitals in what seemed to be a perfunctory gesture of respect. 

“I would like to stay.” 

Light was barely aware of what he was saying. He wished that L was fully clothed. There was no sign of the bruises that he’d given L, in anger or love. They had faded away just like the bruises that L had given him. He wished now that they had drawn blood, that there were scars to show for it.

Akiyama pulled the lever and Light reached out to take L’s hand before he could stop himself, seized by a sudden rush of panic which he could not control. L’s hand was stiff and cold and Light held on, walking alongside the conveyor belt until he was forced to let go. It wasn’t until Soichiro reached out to hold him back that Light realized he was being told to step away from the furnace and obeyed. Once L was inside of the machine flames bloomed around him and a metal door slid down, hiding the body from view. Soichiro was still holding Light’s arms and gave them a slight squeeze.

“A great man,” he said quietly, his deep voice thick with emotion, “You can be proud of him, Light.”

As tears ran down Light’s face he reminded himself that it was good, having his father here. A witness to his grief and distress would be of vital importance going forward, especially since none of them could know the rest. The feelings he was unable to suppress would be attributed to friendship and the camaraderie of brothers-in-arms. It was good that this wasn’t an act.

Akiyama was watching the black plastic clock on the wall, looking bored as he chewed his gum. The municipal crematorium was a sparse industrial space made of steel and concrete, lit by harsh fluorescent lights. With the door of the furnace closed there was no visual indication of the room’s purpose, no religious mementos or gestures of comfort. His father was standing with his hands clasped in front of him, his head bowed in respect. He had worn one of his best suits and insisted Light do the same. As the minutes passed Light felt a kind of numb horror settle over him. _I won_ , he reminded himself.

A little over an hour later the furnace gave a loud beep and there was a rushing sound from within as the fires went out. A few minutes later it beeped again and a tiny light which had been red turned green. Akiyama picked up the hoe at his side with one hand and slid the metal door upwards with the other. Soichiro stepped forward and put his hands on Light’s shoulders. Among the broken bones in the tray Light recognized the domed curve and brow bones of a skull, the partially collapsed rib cage. Akiyama stepped forward, sticking the hoe into the furnace and unceremoniously chopping up the last of the skeleton with it. The chalky cracking and crumbling sounds echoed in the empty room and for a moment Light felt as though his father’s hands were the only real thing in the world. 

Once the skeleton had been sufficiently broken down Akiyama put back the hoe and pulled the lever again. The conveyor belt brought the tray out of the furnace and a plain tin urn was retrieved from a nearby utility closet. Light and Soichiro were each offered a pair of chopsticks. Soichiro looked at Light, who shook his head.

“My son will take care of this,” he said with a small bow to Akiyama, touching Light’s back with a reassuring smile before leaving the room. The long-suffering crematorium operator leaned against the furnace with his hands in the pockets of his jumpsuit, looking torpidly at his shoes. 

Light held the chopsticks and realized that this was going to be easier. Starting at the end of the tray where L’s feet had been he used the chopsticks to sift through the ashes, picking out the bits of bone that remained and depositing them in the urn. He remembered his mother explaining it to him as a child when his grandfather died. It had to be done from the feet to the head so that the person wouldn’t spend eternity upside down. A tremor went through his arm, causing a bit of bone to fall from his chopsticks. When he tried to retrieve it his hand began to tremble and he pulled it back, clenching it into a fist. After a few moments he tried again and succeeded.

Naomi Misora’s remains had finally been found two days before, completely decomposed and weighted to the bottom of the bay. The case had been closed as a suicide. _Naomi, Watari, L, Rem_. Standing over the body of his enemy in this harvest of death Light was once again humbled by the power of the notebooks. 

_I never even needed to know your name._

In the middle of the tray he found a finger bone that was almost perfectly intact. He wondered if it belonged to the hand he had held minutes before, a hand that no longer existed. Light glanced up. Akiyama’s chin had dropped onto his chest and his eyes were closed. Deft and silent, Light took the bone from the tray and slipped it into his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For me, the real tragedy of Death Note is that Light gets his memories back. I can't help thinking about the person he could have been/the life he could have had if it had never happened.
> 
> Also, as I was writing this chapter and thinking it through it occurred to me that I don't understand this part in the books at all. How is Light allowed to act as L for years when Roger knows that the real L is dead? Wouldn't Roger be suspicious about that at all? With policing agencies around the world deferring to L wouldn't he, you know, tell _someone_ that this is some fishy shit that probably shouldn't be trusted? If anyone has some insights on this please feel free to share.


	18. Father

November 15, 2009

 

Light’s mother kept touching the pictures, wandering over to the long table every few minutes to straighten one or brush invisible dust from the glass of another. Since his return to Japan Light had barely heard her speak. He’d handled everything; drafting the public announcement, arranging the funeral, making the necessary phone calls, selecting the suit which his father was currently wearing inside the coffin Light had chosen. The only thing Sachiko had seemed compelled to do was choose the framed photographs that would be displayed during the service, silently walking through the house to collect them. 

In just six images his father’s life had been laid out among the candles and the heavy heads of the white chrysanthemums. He was an infant in his mother’s arms, a young man standing proudly at the edge of a cliff with a vast mountainous landscape stretching behind him, with Sachiko in front of a church on their wedding day. He was grinning in the picture and Sachiko looked as though she were about to start laughing. She had always loved telling the story of how they’d intended to be dignified in the picture but hadn’t been able to stop smiling. The other photos showed him holding a three-year-old Sayu on his shoulder so that she could touch a branch of cherry blossoms, helping twelve-year-old Light lift a gleaming tennis trophy, and uniformed in his official police portrait. 

Light had always been struck by the expression on his father’s face in this photo. It was more than solemnity or pride; there was something almost beseeching in it, as though he wanted the observer to understand something important. As a child Light had asked him about it once. Soichiro had told him that a good police officer had to be constantly thinking of others, that having power over them was a sacred trust.

_I want to earn that trust every day, Light._

One of the directors of the funeral parlor entered and scanned the room quickly for Light before coming to his side and informing him in a respectful murmur that everything was ready for them in the crematorium. He was younger than Light in a meticulously tailored black suit and gave off the impression of having something exciting planned after work. Light dimly wondered what this could possibly be; the world of clubs, restaurants, and concerts felt foreign to him. He went to his mother, who took his arm, and then to Sayu, who was sitting on a small satin couch in the corner with two of her friends. Misa was standing by herself on the other side of the room looking lost, having drifted from his side almost as soon as they arrived, finally intuiting that he neither wanted nor needed her comfort. When Sayu saw him approaching her face crumpled and she began to cry again. After receiving tearful hugs and words of reassurance from the girls she got to her feet and took Light’s other arm, allowing him to lead her from the room. 

The crematorium was softly lit with delicate paintings of trees and water birds on its white walls. A deep marble dish on a pedestal held Soichiro’s remains. Three pairs of chopsticks had been laid out for them and an attendant carefully removed the lid of the white porcelain urn. Sayu continued to cry silently and Light’s mother was stone-faced as they began collecting the bones. Light was relieved to find that his hand was steady.

_What was the point, Dad? Of earning trust? So that you could be gunned down knowing you did the right thing?_

Soichiro’s death had been wasteful and unnecessary but a part of Light was still grateful that he hadn’t had to do it himself, although he’d been prepared to. _We’re getting there_ , he thought, _Someday soon no one will have to live and die like this._

Sachiko gave a tiny gasp as though she’d been startled out of sleep and put down her chopsticks, pulling her hands back and clasping them in front of her.

_Someday you’ll understand._


	19. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light, his family and the task force have a deeply uncomfortable Christmas Eve dinner.

December 24, 2009

 

Light checked his watch again. They had less than an hour before people were due to start arriving and dinner was nowhere near being ready. He couldn’t remember the kitchen ever feeling as small as it did now, trying to cook alongside Misa. The pressure of making dinner for Light’s mother was getting the better of her, fingers fumbling as she stood at the oven cracking eggs into a frying pan. Tiny bits of shell fell in and she picked them out clumsily with a quick sidelong glance at Light to make sure he hadn’t seen. He pretended that he hadn’t as the yellow heart of the egg broke with a hiss against the hot metal. 

Light’s mother was by herself in the living room, sitting straight-backed on the edge of the sofa with her hands folded in her lap. She looked neat and well-groomed as always but there was a hard stillness in her face, as though she were a statue on a mountainside watching eternity and had as little interest in what she saw. Sayu had been upstairs in her room since Light and Misa arrived. Light had set and decorated the dining room table with Misa hovering in his wake, mirroring what he did with a nervous two-second delay. Without her memories of the Death Note she was even more insufferable than usual, bewildered by his distance and uncomprehending of his actions. The more dismissive he was the more she supplicated. He hated her and sensed that she knew; it was in the way she drank too much, laughed too loud, and tried too hard. She was wearing a sleeveless red dress that might have looked elegant had it not been covered in sequins and tight as a second skin from ribs to mid-thigh. 

Matsuda was the first to arrive and his eyes went to her at once, taking in the dress and immediately looking away with a guilty smile. Mogi arrived shortly after with a bottle of wine that looked unnaturally small and fragile in his hands as he edged his large frame into the house. Light had opened the bottle and handed out glasses by the time Aizawa and Ide arrived. In spite of their polite smiles and respectful formal greetings to Sachiko, Light sensed at once that their arrival had strengthened an unacknowledged vein of discontent running through the gathering. Already weary of them, Light excused himself to fetch Sayu. He found her lying face down on her bed in sweatpants and a T-shirt, her party clothes still on a hanger over the back of her desk chair.

“Sayu,” he said calmly, “Dinner’s ready if you’d like to join us.”

She hadn’t turned on any lights as it grew dark outside; he could only see her by the shaft of light that came in from the hallway and the dull orange glow of the streetlights outside.

“Sayu,” he repeated.

Her breath shuddered as she drew it in and although her head was turned away from him on the pillow he could tell that she’d been crying.

“I wouldn’t like to,” she said quietly.

Light felt a twinge of sympathy for her. It was their first Christmas without Soichiro and she’d never fully recovered from the kidnapping. It would be difficult for anyone. He took a deep breath and stepped further into the room, closing the door a little.

“I understand, I really do, but we need to do this for Mom.”

She gave a small, unpleasant laugh.

“Bullshit. She doesn’t care what we do.”

“Sayu,” Light said firmly, “I’m head of the family now, and I’m asking you to change your clothes and come downstairs for dinner.”

She propped herself up on one elbow, turning to look at him, and the hatred in her eyes caught him off guard.

“Get out of my room.”

 

She appeared downstairs almost fifteen minutes later, after Light had already apologized for her absence. She was pale and puffy-eyed in her black dress and everyone at the table averted their eyes from her as she sat in the seat which had been left empty for her. Matsuda, who had been carrying the bulk of their stilted conversation like the valiant fool he was, lapsed into silence at her arrival, his face falling a little. For a full three minutes no one said anything, each of them intent on their plates. Misa had suggested getting takeaway fried chicken for the dinner but the restaurants nearby had already been overrun with similar orders, so they’d attempted to approximate the dish from scratch. The results were mediocre at best but no one said anything. Misa had long ago finished her first glass of wine and every few minutes Light caught her glancing to the other end of the table where the bottle sat. She knew better than to help herself to a second glass in front of him.

Inevitably it was Matsuda who initiated small talk once more, although Mogi contributed as well in his polite, simple way, and the mood lightened considerably whenever he spoke. It was Matsuda’s anxiety, Light thought, jangling just underneath his hearty manner. Mogi’s easy stoicism felt like an act of generosity by comparison. Ide and Aizawa were sitting next to each other and it was obvious among the invisible battle lines constantly being drawn that they were a unified front. Sachiko and Sayu ate their food quietly without looking up or speaking to anyone, giving brief quiet answers when spoken to. Light bit into his chicken and felt a small piece of eggshell crunch between his teeth. He willed himself not to flinch as he put down his chopsticks and took a sip of wine.

Dessert was ice cream and a cake from the neighborhood bakery and they dispersed from the table while waiting for Misa to get it ready. From across the dining room Light watched as Aizawa leaned into Ide a little, speaking low with his head turned so that his mouth couldn’t be seen. Afterwards he walked over to Light with a smile.

“Is it alright if I smoke outside?”

Light nodded.

“May I join you?”

Aizawa shrugged, tilting his head with a certain professional friendliness.

“Of course.”

They put on their shoes in the entryway and left their coats behind. Light for one was grateful to get out of the close warm air of the house, breathing in the dark snowy night as he stepped out onto the stoop. Aizawa pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and shook one out, offering the pack to Light with a speculative lift of his eyebrows.

“No thanks,” Light replied and Aizawa nodded as though he’d expected this, putting the pack back in his pocket. He wasn’t unattractive, Light thought, with his broad nose and stocky build. No matter how often he shaved he always seemed to have stubble and the close-cropped haircut suited him.

“How’s Eriko?”

Aizawa had just finished lighting his cigarette and took a drag before answering, a heaviness settling over him.

“Alright. She and the kids are with her mother. I’m going there after this.”

Light nodded. It was known without either of them having to say it that Aizawa would be returning to headquarters after making an obligatory Christmas morning appearance for his family. Light had already placed presents for his mother and sister on the coffee table in the living room and had no intention of spending the night. 

“Kids doing well?”

Aizawa didn’t answer right away, looking at the empty road ahead of them.

“I suppose so,” he said finally, “Kaz is still little; it’s easier with him. Yumi’s a teenager. Every time I see her she’s different.”

The silence lengthened between them. Aizawa took another drag and stood up a little straighter before half-turning to Light with a fraternal smile that didn’t reach his dark eyes.

“Have you and Misa set a date yet?”

It was a loaded question, Light realized, as the temperature on the stoop seemed to drop further. Aizawa and the rest of the task force had been watching and listening as Light made overtures to Takada for weeks during their clandestine meetings. Contained in the seemingly innocent question was the rejection of Light’s pretense that he was merely playing a part to win Kiyomi’s trust, and the assertion that he was using both women for his own ends. Light shrugged good-naturedly with a smile of modest embarrassment.

“Not really; it’s kind of an ongoing conversation since we’re both so busy right now.”

“Right,” Aizawa murmured, turning away, “busy.”

“Is there something you want to say to me?”

Light managed to keep his voice level in spite of the fact that he felt the end of his patience approaching. They had known each other too long, however, for Aizawa to miss the edge of aggression and his expression hardened.

“I just mean that we’ve given everything to this case,” his voice lowered, “and if what Near’s saying is true then it was all for nothing.”

Light’s hand tightened into a fist in his pocket. It was too late for manipulation now, for challenges and veiled threats. Light’s hands were tied until the game was over and Aizawa clearly knew it. Either that or he simply didn’t care anymore.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Light said calmly, “but he’s wrong about me, and I’m going to do everything I can to prove my innocence and capture the true Kira.”

It had started to snow again in the cold silent street. Aizawa was watching him with an expression of dislike tinged with pity and Light wanted to spit in his face. He wanted to kill him with his bare hands, walk away from this house and never come back. The road to truly becoming Kira, to ruling the perfect world he had sacrificed so much to create, had never felt longer now that he was so close to the end. He was sick of being patient, of being inconvenienced by stupid, weak-willed people. 

From inside the house they heard Misa’s over-bright voice announcing that dessert was ready. Aizawa held Light’s gaze a moment longer before dropping his cigarette butt into the snow and going back into the house. Alone for the first time in hours Light closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, breathing steadily until he was in control of himself once more before going back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I posted! The end of the story draws near!


	20. The Missing Piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Near receives an unexpected delivery and makes a phone call.

December 30, 2009

 

The footsteps were heavy and hesitated for a fraction of a second before moving to the edge of the special wooden flooring which had been installed in this corner of the large room for Near’s particular use.

“Good morning, Anderson,” Near said calmly without looking up from the ivory mahjong tiles scattered across the smooth golden wood beneath him. 

“Near, this package was just delivered by a private courier.”

“What is it?”

“X-ray showed it to contain a single compact disc inside of a plastic case, along with a small cardboard puzzle piece.”

“No note or letter?”

“No, sir.”

Near held out his hand, still not turning around. There was a brief interlude in which Anderson quickly toed out of his shoes and stepped onto the wooden floor to place the large slim envelope in Near’s hand. 

“Thank you, Anderson.”

“You’re welcome, sir.”

Near lifted his eyes to one of the many monitors which covered the two walls of his corner. On it he watched the building’s security camera feeds and made sure that Anderson had returned to his own office down the hallway before he got to his feet. He placed the package on the long stainless steel ledge which functioned as a desk and curled himself into the swiveling black chair pulled up to it. He tore open the envelope gracelessly and let the contents clatter onto the metal ledge, his large dark eyes unblinking as he looked at them. It was a DVD, its face white and unmarked, manufactured in Japan, the kanji detailing its provenance picked out in tiny silver characters. The plastic jewel case holding it was clear and plain. The puzzle piece was old and printed with a green and black plaid pattern. A British-made puzzle he’d completed many times as a child which depicted uniformed students running excitedly up the path to their schoolhouse amidst a cascade of fall leaves. The piece currently before him came from the bottom left corner, part of the skirt belonging to a red-cheeked girl with her hair in yellow plaits and an apple in her hand. Whatever was on the DVD, Roger had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to acquire it and make sure it reached Near. 

He picked up the puzzle piece and put it into the breast pocket of the white button-up pajama shirt he was wearing and then opened the jewel case. With a nudge of his toe he rolled the chair down the desk to a computer tower and pushed the small button to open its disc drive. Near turned on the monitor connected to the tower and inserted the disc into the drive. Once the media player opened Near found himself looking at what appeared to be security camera footage. The transfer process had degraded the product badly; the picture was grainy, jerky, and so overexposed that the image was reduced to blunt shapes of black and white with no finer details.

From what he could surmise Near guessed that he was looking into an apartment or hotel room from a height of roughly seven or eight feet. Whatever existed in the upper left hand section of the screen had been virtually erased by a blaze of white light, most likely direct sunlight coming in through a large window. Towards the middle of the screen the glare lessened and he was looking at what might be a living room or sitting area; the long black rectangular shape on the floor and the smaller black rectangle mounted on the wall beyond suggested a couch and television. Near glanced at the bottom right hand corner of the screen. The original date and time significations seemed to have been preserved. Whatever he was seeing had taken place at three fifty-four in the morning. Not direct sunlight then, he thought, perhaps a lamp? The footage was dated the tenth of September almost seven years previously, just months before L had died.

As Near watched a figure emerged from the bottom left hand side of the screen and walked away from the camera and into the room to sit on the couch. Near leaned forward in his chair, excitement fluttering through him. The figure was tall, thin, and slightly hunched with wild dark hair. 

_L._

The figure raised its arm and the rectangle on the wall lit up with bright indistinct movement, a television, just as he had thought. Less than a minute later a second figure came into view from the bottom left hand corner just as the first had done. Judging by height and build this second figure appeared to be male as well and was wearing what looked like a dark bath robe with a white towel around his neck, as though he had just emerged from a shower. Near had forgotten to blink or breathe in his excitement. All of the evidence and testimonies that they had collected thus far in the investigation pointed to a scenario in which L had placed himself perilously close to his suspect, keeping him within reach at all times. Near looked at the figure in the robe greedily. 

_Light Yagami?_

The man in the robe walked into the living room and around the couch to stand between it and the television facing L, who remained seated. The man moved forward, then down slightly, and it took Near a moment to realize as he squinted at the rough footage that the man seemed to be sitting on L’s lap.

Near’s hand darted forward reflexively to pause the video and he manipulated the mouse next to the keyboard to open the video file again, but this time with highly advanced editing and enhancing software to salvage as much of the original picture as possible. Once the software was open and running Near started the video again from the beginning.

This time he was even more certain that the first man was L as he walked to the couch and sat down. When the second man appeared Near instructed the software camera to zoom in closer and follow his movement across the screen. With the image corrected and enhanced Near was able to see the person looking down at L more clearly. Every detail, from the shape of the face to the cut of the hair, tallied perfectly with the image of Light Yagami that Near had on file. 

Light appeared to be talking to L and then smiled before moving forward to sit on L’s lap, facing him. Near watched Light’s hands move through L’s hair to cup the base of his skull. Light leaned in and Near realized that they were kissing, their heads tilted slightly in opposite directions then reversing; Light’s eyes appeared to be closed. They broke apart and Light tipped his head back as L kissed his neck. There was a pause as L pulled away slightly and Light rose a little higher, as though he had been resting on L’s legs and was now up on his own knees. His bathrobe was open revealing his bare torso down to his navel. When he eased back down onto L’s lap it was with much greater deliberation, a slight grimace on his oval face. Fully seated once more they kissed again and Light began rocking against L, slowly at first with smooth sure movements. Gradually he began to speed up and his hands moved from L’s hair to grip the back of the couch. Light’s mouth was open and his eyes were closed as he rode L to completion. When this had been achieved he slouched forward onto L’s shoulder and they embraced for a moment before L shifted their positions, pulling Light to lie down with him until they were hidden from the camera by the wide back of the black couch.

Near watched with a cold hollow feeling growing in the pit of his stomach, all excitement gone. The scrap of camera footage ended as it had begun, with a view of the living room, only now the television was on and the couch concealed the revelatory image of his hero making love to the most accomplished serial killer the world had ever known. He stared at the monitor for a moment, dumbstruck, and then started the silent clip again, reaching for the controller and microphone which would connect him to the fake L as he did so. 

He pushed the button and was answered almost immediately.

_“Do you have any idea what time it is, Near?”_

“And yet you are still awake, Light Yagami.”

_“Yes, well, I can hardly afford to be away from my desk right now. We believe the Kira case is approaching its final phase.”_

His voice was tired, the careful English clipped and straightforward. Near smiled to himself. It almost didn’t seem possible that the owner of that voice had once been the handsome young man currently being penetrated with such apparent ecstasy on Near’s computer monitor. 

_“Did you have something you wanted to talk to me about, Near?”_

Near’s smile widened as he leaned back and swiveled from side to side in his chair.

“Yes I do, but first, are we speaking privately?”

A pause.

“We are.”

“I hope you’re not lying, ‘cuz you really don’t want anyone else to hear what I have to say.”

_“I’m not in the mood for games right now, Near. Yes, we’re speaking privately.”_

Near’s smile faded a little as he watched L place his hand over Light’s heart.

“Good. I just wanted you to know that you didn’t get away with it.”

He could hear Light sigh with weariness and frustration.

_“What are you talking about?”_

“It’s one thing to kill a criminal, a stranger on the other side of the world. You’ll never meet them, never have to know who they were or bloody your hands. It’s something else to kill a lover.”

Utter silence followed his words and Near experienced a strange moment of victory. He’d managed to catch Light Yagami completely off guard; the footage was most likely genuine and he now possessed the truth of a powerful secret which he could use to threaten Kira. However, it also meant that L had failed, had deliberately made himself vulnerable and created an opportunity for Kira to prolong his reign and extend the worldwide slaughter. 

For a moment Near wondered if Light was going to say anything at all, if, in his silence, they were going to communicate honestly with each other for the first time. L and Light had disappeared once more behind the back of the sofa and Near immediately started the clip again, determined to watch it as many times as he could, as though bearing witness to the truth over and over again would deepen Light’s guilt. Light’s voice suddenly returned to him through the headphones he’d attached to the phone controller, sounding so flat and bloodless it could have belonged to a paper doll.

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Near.”_

Near glared at the image of Light’s smiling face on the computer monitor.

“Save your breath,” he said coldly, “I would rather not be lied to for once so you might as well just shut up and listen.”

There was silence on the other end of the line but he knew that Light was still there. Near continued.

“I know that you and L were having sex with each other. I have evidence; you don’t need to know what that evidence is so don’t bother trying to find out.”

L’s head was tipped back as Light kissed him and Near felt a stab of sadness which he couldn’t quite suppress. He clenched his teeth and took a deep breath, trying to keep himself under control.

“Light, I need you to know that I have no intention of sharing this information with anyone else. I don’t care if you don’t believe that; I’m giving you my word. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not doing this out of consideration for you. You are less than nothing and deserve nothing but the fear and agony you’ve brought down on others,” an edge of savagery had crept into his voice as he spoke but now he paused, and when he continued the steeliness had gone, “L was more than my mentor. He was my hero. I know that heroes are still just people and that it’s foolish to expect them to be perfect, but maybe I did, and that’s my own fault. L was a person with thoughts and feelings that had nothing to do with his professional life, and I’m in no position to judge him for that. I do, however, judge him for allowing his private and professional worlds to come together as they did. There was far too much at stake and he betrayed the trust of people who were risking their lives. But he’s dead now. He paid for whatever mistakes he made and all that’s left is the memory of his work, of his accomplishments and what he represented to others. Keeping his secret is something I can do for him, out of respect.”

Light still hadn’t spoken. On the screen in front of him L had once again placed his hand over Light’s heart and Near felt anger flare up inside of him even as his voice lowered to a whisper.

“Did he love you, Light Yagami? Did you love him? Are you even capable of love? Were you there when he died? Did you hold him? Were you the last thing he saw in this life and did he know what you really are in his dying moment?”

There was a harsh click in his ears as the line went dead. Near watched Light sink down onto the couch with L one last time before he stopped the video and ejected the disc from the drive.


	21. Kira's Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takada gets what she wants.

December 30, 2009

 

Kiyomi was unzipping her tight black dress. She glanced over her shoulder at him as she did it with an enticing smile and he felt an unpleasant shudder go through his stomach. They were standing in the hotel suite’s sitting area in front of the floor to ceiling windows and the indifferent night beyond. She turned to face him, slipping the dress from her shoulders as she did so and leaned forward, pressing her cleavage together as she worked the fabric down over her full hips. Her lingerie looked expensive, made of black silk and lace, impressively crafted to contain and lift her heavy white breasts. She was all but glowing with excitement and for a moment Light saw himself and the narrative of their affair through her eyes. In Kiyomi’s mind Light had been wanting this, had spent years secretly aching for the moment when she would stand naked before him, and now that the moment had arrived she was fully expecting him to demonstrate his gratitude.

Somehow he was able to manage a charming smile as he undressed in front of her, her eyes watching him appreciatively as she unhooked her bra and stepped out of her underwear. Without the bra’s support her breasts succumbed to gravity at once and he was more grateful than usual for his medically enhanced erection as he looked at her large pink areolae. Kiyomi walked slowly over to the long polished wooden table which stood between the sitting area and the kitchenette and placed her hand upon its surface. Her voice was soft and rather breathless.

“I want you to make love to me, Light, right here on the table.”

He smiled and walked over to her, running his hand over it as though enticed by the idea, making his voice low and husky.

“I don’t know. Let me see you up there first.”

She grinned and climbed up onto the table, deliberately arching her back so that her ass rose into the air like a full moon. Once on the table she turned and lay down on her back, her arms stretched out above her head and her thighs opening just enough to display her vagina, which had been shaven and waxed until it resembled a vertical pink mouth, hairless as an infant. Light resisted the urge to grimace with difficulty and climbed up onto the table, praying with every moment that it would give an ominous creak or break completely beneath them. The table, however, remained undaunted and sturdy in the face of their combined weight, and Light did what he could to ignore the slight edge of panic he felt as Kiyomi sighed and opened her legs to him. He forced himself to kneel between them and look at her body as though it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, while at the same time attempting to make a dispassionate survey of what he was prepared to do. The thought of performing cunnilingus on her made his cock recoil in distaste, meaning that he would have to put even more effort into making the foreplay satisfying. 

Light positioned himself over her, braced on his elbows so that they were face to face and returned her smile before kissing her. This, at least, wasn’t as bad as usual since she’d applied flavored lip balm which was much less waxy than her lipstick. With his eyes closed the hands touching him could be anyone’s, as could the mouth which licked and pulled at his own. Light studiously kissed Takada’s breasts and manipulated her nipples while spreading the folds of her labia with his fingers. Her moans and words of pleasure, while still off-putting, were signs of a job well done and helped him continue with more confidence. His fingers were soon inside of her, moving smoothly in and out and becoming more wet and sticky by the second, an unpleasant sensation but necessary. Her thighs and hips were starting to tremble and finally she cried out, begging him to put his cock inside of her. He removed his fingers and kissed her mouth once more, pushing in hard with his tongue until she moaned, before climbing down from the table to retrieve the condom from his wallet. She remained on the table, writhing intermittently with a blissful expression on her face as he extracted the contraceptive and put it on. The air of the hotel room seemed colder after being pressed against her and Light shivered slightly, his sense of accomplishment fading. He climbed back up onto the table and leaned down to kiss Kiyomi again as he rubbed the head of his penis between her folds, grateful that the condom was between them so he wouldn’t have to feel her on his bare skin. 

She seemed content to remain on her back so he alternated his own position relative to hers. He pressed their bodies together and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her deeply and moaning into her mouth while delivering slow, hard thrusts. Orgasm number one. He got to his knees and hoisted her ankles onto his shoulders, lifting her hips to fuck her more quickly until her breasts were practically wind milling and she gripped the edges of the table for support, the room filled with her inarticulate cries. Orgasm number two. The surface of the table was almost hot to the touch from the friction of their bodies and slick with their sweat. Light’s hair was matted to his forehead and his muscles were starting to shake with the strain when finally, finally, he began to feel his own orgasm drawing near. In a moment of desperate inspiration he pulled out of her completely and lifted her legs, leaning forward until the backs of her knees were on his shoulders. His erection was dripping with her cum and he made sure that their tongues were entwined before guiding the head of his cock to her asshole. As he’d expected she made a sound of surprise which he was able to muffle, placating her with his tongue as he slowly eased into her. His moans of pleasure were real this time as the muscles of her rectum gripped him and he thrust into her, burning for the touch of a man as he came. 

Once he had caught his breath he pulled out of her slowly and disentangled himself from her legs and arms, his body aching with exertion and his knees bruising from the hard tabletop. Without a word he got down and walked into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and pulled off the condom, depositing it in the waste bin with disdain before taking a piss. He washed his penis in the sink afterwards and exited the bathroom to see that Kiyomi was still sprawled on the table, her hands resting on her abdomen and her legs stretched out limply like a rag doll. She was still breathing heavily and her skin was flushed. She turned her head with a dreamy smile, reaching out for him. He stepped forward to take her hand, inwardly horrified by the idea that she might be hoping for another round, and she sat up, leaning forward to give him a small gentle kiss.

“I love you, Light,” she murmured. 

Praying that it wouldn’t inspire renewed passion Light told her that he loved her too. To his relief she just smiled and got down from the table, going past him to the bathroom. He looked at the table and watched as the sweat imprint of her body cooled and dried. Light closed his eyes, unwillingly remembering the table in the apartment he’d shared with L and the day that L had fucked him on it. Their affair had barely lasted three months, yet at moments like this it loomed so much larger in his mind than anything that had occurred before or since. He clenched his hands into fists and turned away to retrieve his clothes, feeling strangely undone as he put them back on, like a length of ribbon gradually loosening and slipping from its spool.

Kiyomi remerged and began dressing as well, her breasts bouncing like gelatin as she hoisted them back into the bra. After working the little black dress back up over her hips and bust she came over to the couch where he was lacing his shoes and turned for him to zip her up. Light felt his discomfort increasing as the teeth of the zipper closed over the length of her back. A glance at the clock on the wall told him that they still had forty minutes to be together until the time he had specified for his departure and his heart sank. Once she had been zipped up Kiyomi walked into the kitchen area and began making coffee for them, her bare feet padding softly on the gleaming wooden floor. Light sat on the couch and tried to pull himself together, confused by his response to the situation. The thoughts and memories of his weaker self were becoming far too prominent for his comfort. 

_Did he love you, Light Yagami? Did you love him?_

Light closed his eyes but could not shut out the sound of Near’s voice from the early hours of that morning. Perhaps the shock of the confrontation accounted for his disoriented state now. As wildly implausible as it seemed that evidence of the affair had survived he couldn’t imagine how Near would have found out about it otherwise. Watari had known; it would have been impossible for L to cover his tracks and keep the secret without him. L had made no attempt to disguise the fact that he still believed Light was Kira; had he instructed Watari to move evidence to a secure location in the event of his death? 

He could hear the coffeemaker whirring in the background as it brewed and Kiyomi came around the sofa, curling up next to him with her legs tucked beneath her. He put an arm around her and she leaned her head into the crook of his shoulder, sighing happily.

_Are you even capable of love?_

Light rested his cheek against Kiyomi’s hair. Love was a luxury he neither wanted nor could afford. Of course he was capable of it but it belonged to the person he had been before he discovered his true mission, his true calling in this life. Like his innocence, love had been part of his great sacrifice, the price he had paid for the power to save humanity. If he was in a particularly reflective mood, as he was now, Light envisioned the brief span of time in which he’d lost his memories of the Death Note as a gift to his former self. A necessary step in Kira’s plan with the accidental benefit of giving Light Yagami one last taste of the things that he had wanted as a lesser being. 

The coffee had finished brewing and Light was grateful for the distraction as Kiyomi unfolded her long rounded body from his side and went to prepare it. He got up to follow her and sat down at the table, giving her a suggestive smirk as he did so. She giggled and brought the cups and saucers there, placing her own across the table from his. The coffee was soon joined by two small crystal bowls, one containing sugar packets and the other tiny cups of cream. As they drank their coffee they made amiable small talk about Takada’s varied social commitments as well as her thoughts on the demands of celebrity life. It required a great exercise of will for Light to avoid glancing at the clock or his watch during the conversation. In their last few minutes he had her review the contingency plans they’d discussed many times before, what to do and when if Near or Mello made any of the moves that Light was anticipating. Takada sat up a little straighter as she did this, like an eager pupil reciting for her favorite teacher, beaming when he expressed his approval. 

At ten o’clock he helped her into her coat so that she could leave the hotel first and she pressed herself to him in a long slow kiss before pulling away and putting on the large round black sunglasses which she thought made her look glamourous, Kira’s queen, and stepped out into the hallway to rejoin her fleet of bodyguards. Light put on his own coat, scarf, and gloves slowly, thinking. Cameras and listening devices hadn’t been installed in any of their hotel rooms for days now, one of his better maneuvers. No one was coming to check the room or drive him back to task force headquarters. Normally he would walk for a while, taking the time to clear his head and savor his solitude before catching a taxi back to his and Misa’s apartment. There was always the possibility that he was being followed from a distance. Near’s agents, Mello, his own subordinates, none of it would have surprised him. He walked to the window and looked down at the street below, where Takada’s limousine was just pulling away. If he actually did what he was thinking of doing it would be disastrous if he was being tailed. 

_Or would it? I know that Aizawa has already gone to Near with his suspicions of me. No doubt he deduced that Takada and I were passing notes to each other when the task force was still listening in on our meetings. The fact that Near hasn’t used this information means that he knows it’s irrelevant to his plans. At this point in the game he must also know Mikami’s identity and function. His strategy will depend on the presentation of neutrality and professional cooperation right up until the trap closes and he thinks he has his proof. Therefore, even if someone is following me, even if Mikami’s being watched…_

He checked his watch and frowned. It was still a risky idea, extravagantly reckless and driven more by his current state of mind than by a logical assessment of what was needed to advance Kira’s plan. In any case it was his turn to leave the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just realized that since I wrote these last chapters over a year ago I can totally finish this thing off tonight! Onward!


	22. Doxology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light tries to get what he wants.

_Upon my bed at night_  
_I sought him whom my soul loves_  
_I sought him, but found him not_  
_I called for him, but he gave no answer._  
_I will rise now and go about the city_  
_In the streets and in the squares_  
_I will seek him whom my soul loves._  
_I sought him, but found him not._

 

~

 

December 30, 2009

 

It was wonderful to step outside and the cold night air felt as though it was stripping him of the smells of the hotel room; sex, coffee, Takada’s perfume. Light breathed it in and put his hands in his pockets as he started down the sidewalk, using his police academy surveillance training to try to discern whether or not someone was tailing him. After a couple of blocks he hadn’t spotted anything suspicious and pulled his cellphone from his coat pocket and opened an online map of the city. He typed in Mikami’s address, his heart rate slightly elevated, and his phone’s GPS system told him that the lawyer’s residence was half an hour’s walk from his current location. Light paused on the corner, waiting for a red light and debating silently with himself. When the light turned green he pushed a button on his phone and was given a series of walking directions along with a map of the route he would take. He walked quickly, feeling defiant but also consumed by a growing, almost desperate excitement.

Less than half an hour later he was standing across the street from Mikami’s apartment building, a knot of anticipation aching in his stomach. Light crossed the road and pulled open the front door to the entryway, scanning the row of mailboxes and buzzers until he found the one labeled _Teru Mikami_. He pushed the button, waited a few moments, and then pushed it again. When the speaker crackled to life and Mikami responded his voice sounded somewhat groggy and Light was certain that he’d woken him from sleep. 

_“Who is it?”_

Light stepped close to the speaker beneath the buzzer and spoke into it as he held down the button.

“Do you recognize my voice, Mikami?”

As soon as he released the button the response came through and Mikami’s voice was breathless with excitement.

_“Is it really you?”_

Light smiled.

“It’s really me.”

There was a loud harsh buzz from the inner door as Mikami unlocked it for him. Light pushed through and went up the black lacquered staircase to Mikami’s apartment, which occupied the entire third floor of the building. The door cracked open before he’d even knocked on it and beyond he could see Mikami’s handsome face under sleep-tousled black hair, his expression lit by incredulous joy and awe, his voice barely above a whisper.

“In the mail?”

“Seven sheets on the fifteenth,” Light answered at once.

Mikami opened the door fully and stood aside for Light to come in, then closed and locked the door behind him. Aside from a small bright light above the oven the apartment was dark with crisp linen curtains pulled across the windows and Light felt comforted by it at once after the full lighting and exposed windows of the hotel rooms he’d been sharing with Takada. His sense of relief was not dulled when Mikami stepped around him to turn on the overhead kitchen light. This allowed Light to see not only the rest of the kitchen but the spacious living room opposite. As he had known it would be Mikami’s apartment was clean and comfortable, the decoration simple, functional, and masculine. Light had only ever seen Mikami in a series of impeccably tailored suits, pictures and footage of him in court or as an audience member on episodes of _Kira’s Kingdom_. Now he was wearing a grey t-shirt and dark cotton pajama pants. The t-shirt looked soft and was just tight enough to hint at the physique of the body beneath and the effect on Light was immediate and visceral. Mikami was still looking at him in wonder.

“Isn’t it dangerous for you to be here, God?”

For a moment he considered asking Mikami to call him Light but dismissed the idea. Being Teru’s deity provided the greater advantage. Accordingly he projected an air of confidence and power, his voice smooth and self-assured.

“Don’t worry, everything is still going according to plan and soon there will be no one standing in our way.”

Mikami bowed his head slightly.

“I can’t tell you how honored and unworthy I feel to have you here.”

Light smiled beatifically and started moving to where Mikami stood by the kitchen sink.

“I wouldn’t be here if you were unworthy, Teru, you should know that. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. You have been my best and truest servant, and now that we are poised on the edge of victory I’ve come to reward you for your devotion and loyalty.”

There were tears of gratitude in Mikami’s eyes and Light held himself in check for a moment. He wanted Mikami terribly but knew that he needed to proceed with care. He needed Mikami to believe. The other man held out his hands in a gesture of humble offering.

“Everything that I have, everything that I am, is yours, God.”

A foretaste of heady triumph rushed through Light and he removed his gloves and scarf. Mikami held out his hands at once to take them, folding the scarf and placing it on the small kitchen table with the gloves as though they were sacred relics. Light proceeded to unbutton his coat, which was then hung on the coat tree by the door. 

“I’m glad to hear you say that, because I want everything that I am to be yours in return.”

Mikami was standing less than two feet in front of him and his eyes widened at Light’s words. He was broad-shouldered, taller by at least a foot, and Light shivered. It was time to make his move. Slowly he closed the distance between them and reached up to place his hand over Mikami’s heart, feeling it beat beneath his palm. Mikami touched Light’s hand hesitantly, as though still uncertain whether Light was truly real. Deliberately holding his gaze as he did so, Light took Mikami’s other hand and placed it over his own heart, stretching up until their mouths were inches apart.

“I want us to be one,” he whispered.

Mikami made no move to kiss him but nodded at once. Satisfied that his disciple understood what was being asked of him Light kissed Mikami, barely touching him. The responding pressure of Mikami’s lips was just as tentative, a beat too late, and Light realized with no small amount of disappointment that Mikami was most likely straight. Ignoring this, Light pulled back just enough to look into the other man’s eyes, which were still earnest with the desire to please him.

“Take me to your bedroom.”

Mikami led Light down a hallway to a high-ceilinged room which was dominated by a large bed. Multiple pillows were stacked against the headboard and a corner of the dark comforter was turned down where Mikami had gotten up to answer the door. The bedroom had windows along one wall which were covered by the same linen curtains as those in the living room, transforming the harsh glare of the streetlights beyond into a cool glow. A modern black desk lamp illuminated Mikami’s side of the bed from where it perched on a chrome cube of a bedside table along with a small stack of books, a collection of Sherlock Holmes stories in Japanese on top. Teru was standing near the bed, his hands opening and closing awkwardly at his sides, looking a little worried.

“Is everything alright, my Lord?”

Light blinked and smiled.

“Yes, everything’s fine. Would you mind turning off the lamp?”

Mikami moved to do so at once and Light released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. 

“Take off your clothes, Teru,” he said quietly.

There was a heartbeat of hesitation before Mikami pulled his t-shirt over his head, revealing a smooth muscular torso. He pushed down his pants and underwear. His legs were long and similarly sculpted, his penis well-proportioned and thick. Light felt himself getting hard as he watched and the sensation was profoundly liberating. Mikami stood there for a moment as though awaiting further instruction before walking to where Light still stood at the foot of the bed. Light watched him silently, suddenly weary of giving orders. To his relief Mikami seemed to understand this and began to unbutton Light’s shirt, glancing up at his face every so often to make sure he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Light slid his suit jacket from his shoulders and let it fall to the floor where it was soon joined by his shirt and undershirt. Mikami proceeded straight to Light’s belt and pants, unfastening them without touching him. Light swallowed, trying to banish the bitter taste of dissatisfaction from his mouth. More than anything he was trying not to remember L grinning as he handed over a pair of scissors so that Light could cut the shirt from his body. Light’s pants and underwear slid to the floor and he stepped out of them, along with his socks and shoes, watching Mikami’s face as he stood back slightly to look at him. Light’s erection had dwindled significantly but Mikami had shown no sign of arousal at all. Nevertheless, his expression was reverential and appreciative as he looked at Light.

“You are beautiful, God.”

Light managed a smile.

“Get on the bed.”

Mikami did so at once, moving backwards to the center of the bed with his eyes fixed on Light. This display of submission made him feel powerful again and Light stepped up onto the mattress, standing over Mikami and enjoying the way his shadow fell across the other man’s body.

“Who am I, Teru?”

“You are Kira,” Mikami breathed, “the one true God.”

Light got to his knees on the bed.

“Touch me.”

Mikami nodded and got up on his own knees to mirror Light’s position then reached out to hold Light’s face in his hands. Light closed his eyes and sighed involuntarily. Encouraged, Mikami’s hands traveled slowly down Light’s neck, out to his shoulders and down his arms. His touch ran through Light like fresh water on the hottest summer day. When Light felt Mikami’s fingers lace through his own he could bear it no longer and leaned forward to kiss him again. Mikami’s mouth opened this time and Light pushed in at once, coaxing Mikami’s tongue with his own and whimpering when the other man finally began to kiss him back. He took their clasped hands and guided them behind his back so that Mikami would hold him and Light moaned as the strong arms wrapped around him and he was pulled to Mikami’s broad chest. He put his arms around Mikami’s neck and kissed him harder, rubbing his erection against Mikami, desperate to feel some answering arousal. Seeming to sense Light’s frustration Mikami gently broke their kiss, looking worried.

“Forgive me, my Lord. I want to be pleasing to you, more than anything.”

Light swallowed, forcing himself to be patient and calm as he spoke.

“You are, you do, here,” he disentangled himself from Mikami’s arms reluctantly, “lie down.”

Mikami lay back on the bed obediently and Light knelt over him, feeling his muscles ache in protest, still tired from satisfying Kiyomi. He endeavored to make his voice both gracious and seductive, the voice of Mikami’s god.

“Your willingness honors me, Teru, and I do not doubt the strength of your faith. I want to be pleasing to you as well.”

Mikami opened his mouth at once to say that he was already pleasing but Light, losing patience, stopped him with a kiss before he could get the words out. When he felt satisfied that Mikami would make no further attempts at conversation Light moved on to his throat. He kissed and licked his way down the other man’s body hungrily, taking his own pleasure while stroking and fondling Mikami’s cock and balls with his hand as he went. Under Light’s thorough ministrations Mikami finally began to relax and every small sigh or sound of pleasure from his lips felt distinctly hard-won. By the time Light had worked his way to Mikami’s hips the cock in his hand was finally hard but Light felt himself unraveling again. His own erection was straining painfully with need and the tedious pace of the encounter was maddening. Concerned that Mikami would go soft again the moment he stopped touching him Light continued to stroke as he looked up to where Mikami’s head was lying on one of the pillows, his eyes closed.

“Teru,” Light murmured. Mikami’s eyes opened at once and he looked at Light expectantly.

“Y-yes, my Lord?”

“Do you still wish to be one with me?”

“More than anything.”

His expression was pleading and his voice was breathless with sincerity. Light rewarded him with a smile.

“You are truly my most worthy follower, Teru. In order for us to be one I need to have you inside of me, and I will need…some help.”

It took a moment for comprehension to dawn on Mikami’s face but when it did he sat up and beseeched Light to allow him to go and get the requested supplies from the bathroom. Light sat by himself on the bed in the dark while Mikami did this. Even though he knew what he would see if he gave in Light closed his eyes and immediately felt someone moving in the shadows of the room, even though he knew he was alone. He imagined feeling the bed sink and rise again as his invisible companion joined him and then arms were encircling him from behind, with strong sure hands that knew exactly where to touch him and how. A cock hard with need pressed against the small of his back and a soft wet mouth was trailing kisses over his shoulder blades and spine. Light imagined turning his head in mute appeal and L was there at once, kissing him as though Light were all the food and drink he would ever need for the rest of his life.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway outside the bedroom and Light opened his eyes, instantly feeling colder. Mikami’s perfect naked body emerged from the darkness and he was holding a condom in one hand and a small bottle of lubricant in the other. Light was unable to suppress a brief but intensely scathing thought about the women Mikami brought to this bed, the women for whom he kept these supplies on hand. _I bet Kiyomi would be able to get you hard,_ he thought bitterly. _Is that why you chose her to be Kira’s spokesperson? Because you want to fuck her?_

Light smiled magnanimously and held out his hand for the bottle and the condom, examining them with feigned interest as Mikami sat back down on the bed. As he had feared the other man was almost completely flaccid again and Light had to grit his teeth to keep himself from groaning in annoyance and frustration. The idea of sucking Mikami off just to get him hard enough to fuck felt humiliating, and an image of the small bottle of pills hidden in his coat pocket flashed across Light’s mind. He glanced at the fit young lawyer and wondered where Mikami’s religious fervor ended and his basic common sense began. Even if Light managed to persuade Mikami to take a stranger’s prescribed medication they would still have to wait for the pill to kick in and then contend with the considerable potency it gave, all of which would draw out a seduction which Light was already regretting. 

Mikami was sitting up against the headboard with his back cushioned by pillows, the familiar combination of expectant anxiety and hope on his face. In spite of his frustration and impatience Light was still attracted to him, could feel his blood pulse with longing as he looked at him. Light smiled as seductively as he could and crawled over to Mikami, settling himself on the other man’s lap. Mikami touched him at once, slowly running his hands over Light’s thighs and buttocks to his waist and back down again. Light shivered with pleasure at the contact and wondered if Mikami knew how mediocre his performance had been thus far and had resolved to do better. As if in confirmation of this thought Mikami moved in to kiss him and Light was gratified to discover that when he made an effort Mikami was a reasonably good kisser. Light moaned into Mikami’s mouth and ran his fingers through the other man’s soft dark hair, finally beginning to enjoy himself as his renewed erection rubbed wonderfully against a hard muscled stomach and Mikami’s hands found their confidence at last, cupping, massaging, and moving over his body in time with their mouths. 

Light felt Mikami getting hard and almost laughed out loud in victory as the large powerful erection began to press against his ass. He broke their kiss and pulled back a little to allow Mikami’s cock to rise between them and rub against Light’s. Mikami gasped in surprise and pleasure at the sensation, and Light grinned as he took Mikami’s large hand and wrapped it around their cocks. Light began to rock his hips in smooth steady thrusts and Mikami closed his eyes, breathing heavily, his lips slightly parted. Light reached down to where he’d placed the lubricant on the bedspread next to them and flicked the cap open. Feeling his orgasm drawing perilously close Light took Mikami’s hand from their erections and kneeled upright away from the other man’s body. Mikami watched, his chest still rising and falling rapidly as Light spread lubricant over the fingers of his right hand. With his left he gripped the top of the headboard for balance and twisted his torso in order to begin preparing his asshole for Mikami’s cock. Clearly moved by what Light could only describe as divine inspiration, Mikami took this as an invitation to sit forward and explore Light’s chest with his tongue, his strong hands steadying Light’s thighs. The tip of Mikami’s tongue flicked and pressed against Light’s nipples and Light cried out with pleasure as his rectal muscles clenched involuntarily, pulling at his fingers. 

“Oh fuck yes,” he breathed, “just like that.”

Mikami responded promptly, pulling at Light’s nipple with his lips while gently scratching his fingernails along the sensitive skin of Light’s waist, making him shiver. Even though it had been a long time and he knew it was still going to hurt like hell, Light couldn’t wait any longer. He tore open the condom and rolled it onto Mikami’s cock, followed by a copious amount of lubricant which he applied with a wolfish grin as Mikami drew in a sharp breath. Light stretched up as tall as he could on his knees and took Mikami’s erection in one hand while gripping the headboard with the other and began to lower himself. Discomfort coursed through him at once. Light closed his eyes and focused on taking deep even breaths, on forcing his muscles to relax, going slowly and giving his body time to adjust. Mikami bit back a groan as the head of his cock was pulled inside. Inch by inch Light took him in and cried out when it was done, his head falling back. He’d forgotten, he had to have, how else could he have gone so long without this feeling? Hard and strong and hot, filling him, pulsing inside of him, touching every muscle and nerve in his body, waves of pain and pleasure intense beyond belief with every movement and breath. 

Mikami’s hands gripped Light’s thighs and when he opened his eyes he saw that Mikami’s were closed, his mouth open and making small short moaning noises as Light moved around him. Careful not to move too much Light leaned in and licked Mikami’s open mouth. Light was gripping the headboard with both hands now and began to move his hips, forcing himself to go slow even though all he wanted was to dig into the mattress and ride Mikami until he lost consciousness. He wanted Mikami to take control, to scoop him up in his arms and throw him backwards onto the bed. Light remembered nights with L that never seemed to end, nights spent on his hands and knees, on his stomach, until the sweat ran down his face and dripped from his nose, pushed beyond all limits and control. Light was kissing Mikami hard now, trying to say without words what he wanted Mikami to do. Mikami was still holding his thighs, seemingly content to kiss and be kissed as Light rode him. Feeling desperate again Light let go of the headboard and put Mikami’s arms around him, wordlessly urging him to hold him tighter, kiss him harder. He could tell that Mikami was reluctant and pulled out of their kiss.

“Put me on my back,” he breathed.

Supporting him carefully so that his cock wouldn’t pull out, Mikami lowered Light backwards onto the bed. A renewed swell of desire went through Light as Mikami pulled up his legs and settled himself between them, his muscles rippling as he braced himself above Light. Light pulled him down to his mouth again and moved his hands along Mikami’s body, guiding him until they were pressed together completely, Mikami’s arms wrapped around him, his tongue filling Light’s mouth. Light grabbed hold of Mikami’s ass, urging him to thrust and keening into his mouth when he cooperated, his powerful body sending tremors through Light as he fucked him into the mattress. 

To his dismay a terrible need for L burst through Light, simultaneously abrupt and inevitable, as though a wave had been building far at sea and had just now crashed in on the shore. When he kissed Mikami he expected to feel L’s mouth and experienced a profound jarring sensation. 

_Did he love you, Light Yagami? Did you love him?_

Light pushed up, rolling Mikami over onto his back so quickly that his cock pulled from Light’s body with a fresh jolt of pain that made Light wince and Mikami moan in surprise and disappointment, his voice ragged with exertion.

“Is- is something wrong, God?”

Light moved to straddle him, holding himself just above Mikami’s cock and breathing hard. Mikami tried to hold his thighs again and Light batted his hands away distractedly. Mikami braced himself on his elbows, looking chastened. Light took a deep breath, trying to regain control of himself.

“Who am I, Mikami?”

“You are God.”

“What is my name?”

“Kira.”

Light closed his eyes, feeling the sweetness of the name, spoken like a prayer from Mikami’s mouth, stretch its wings inside of him. 

“Yes,” he breathed, taking hold of Mikami’s erection and guiding it to his asshole, “say it again.”

“Kira,” Mikami said at once, his cock twitching eagerly in Light’s hand.

“The one true God.”

“The one true God.”

Light took another deep breath and began to lower himself onto the thick cock again, his sore muscles protesting even as his own erection arced high with need.

“The most powerful,” he gasped.

“The most powerful,” Mikami intoned.

“Just and merciful.”

“Just and merciful.”

Mikami was fully inside of him once more and Light closed his eyes, letting the sensation of being filled burn inside of him, forcing every other thought to crumble into dust. He wanted to break out of his body, to ascend as a being of pure power and sensation, leaving nothing behind but a ruby colored chrysalis as translucent thin as the papery layers of an onion. The darkness enfolded him, held him, and Light never wanted it to end. He heard an intake of breath and felt Mikami shift beneath him.

“Worship me.”

“I worship you.”

There was a distinct breathlessness in Mikami’s voice now and Light knew that he was trying to hold himself back, was reigning in his need until Light gave him permission. The power made Light feel as though he were glowing from within like an ember. He opened his eyes for the sole pleasure of watching Mikami struggle.

“Praise me.”

“I praise you.”

The next command was already curled on his tongue but Light stopped himself. Defiant, he opened his mouth again to speak the words, but no sound came out. He felt his heady flight drop slightly, a gliding bird suddenly caught by a crosswind. _This is what I want_ , he told himself, _this is what I deserve_. He began moving his hips as slowly as he could, willing control as Mikami grimaced and his head fell back on the bed. Light’s voice had grown low and rough.

“Your body is mine.”

“My body is yours.”

Light sped up, just a little, and Mikami bit back a whimper.

“Your heart is mine.”

“My heart is yours.”

Light leaned forward and braced his palms against Mikami’s chest, feeling the bequeathed heart beating beneath his fingertips as he pushed Mikami deeper inside.

“Your soul is mine.”

“My-my soul is yours.”

Handfuls of blanket were clenched in Mikami’s hands now but his obedience had not wavered. He would not touch his god until his god told him to. The bed was starting to creak beneath them and Light felt precum leaking from the head of his penis. He was so close, and the effort it took to not touch himself, to not wrap Mikami’s hand around his cock, was almost painful. He twisted his hips slightly, grinding himself against Mikami, who had started thrusting upwards helplessly, groaning deep in his throat as he did so.

“Touch me, Teru.”

Mikami’s hands were on Light’s ass immediately, gripping so hard they hurt as he used all of his strength to help Light move his hips faster, thrusting into him. Light cried out, riding as hard as he could now. 

“Worship me, praise me-”

“I worship you, _fuck_ , I praise you-”

Light touched himself, stroking quickly.

_“Love me.”_

“I love you, I-”

The rest of Mikami’s response was lost as Light came in a blinding empyreal eclipse, his muscles contracting and pulling. He heard a groan as Mikami jerked beneath him, still thrusting upwards as Light’s orgasm brought him to his own. Light kept his eyes closed, holding his spent cock, trying to hold onto the feeling for as long as he could, the perfect complete transport that was of his body but also a taste of the infinite. 

Gradually the impressions of his surroundings began to reassert themselves. Loud panting breaths that filled the silent room, the soft bedspread under his knees, the damp hot skin of Mikami’s chest against his palm, the large hands on his hips and the softening cock inside of him. He had come onto Mikami’s stomach and chest and felt distinctly terrestrial as the smell of it filled his nostrils. Mikami beamed up at him, as though he too were trying to preserve some of the rapidly dwindling magic.

“We are one, God.”

Light smiled automatically, though he wasn’t happy, and bent forward to kiss Mikami as the other man’s cock slid wetly out of him. 

“One,” he murmured.

The transition from divine copulation to practical reality was an awkward one. Once Light had moved off of him Mikami hesitantly asked for permission to go to the bathroom and Light nodded without bothering to look deific as he did so. As Mikami’s footsteps faded down the hall Light experienced a moment of indecision, then quickly got up from the bed and began putting his clothes back on. The digital alarm clock on Mikami’s bedside table told him that it was almost midnight. Misa was out of town, supposedly recording her comeback album in Nagasaki, but he suspected that this mostly consisted of going to parties with her entourage and drinking her way through the record company’s travel budget. If anyone was still at task force headquarters it would most likely be Matsuda and he would almost definitely be asleep, stretched out across one of the sofas with half-read reports slipping from his chest to the floor.

Mikami returned as Light was tying his shoes, still naked and for all his well-toned muscles looking oddly vulnerable as he stood in the doorway. Light, prepared, stood up with his most sincere and apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry, Teru, I can’t stay.”

Mikami nodded at once.

“I understand, God.”

For one wretched moment Light wanted to laugh at him, to mock him for his dogged, mindlessly unquestioning devotion. Instead he walked across the room to his acolyte and took both of his hands in his own, looking up into his face.

“Very soon our victory will be at hand, and I want you to know that it wouldn’t have been possible without your faith and service. When Kira claims dominion over the world you will be rewarded above all others.”

Mikami looked incandescent with happiness and actually got to his knees at Light’s feet, kissing his hands and bowing his head.

“Thank you, God, thank you.”

Light tried not to flinch and silently prompted Mikami to stand, planting a final gentle kiss on his lips and smiling at him before letting go of his hands and walking out of the bedroom. Mikami followed him back into the kitchen and watched as Light wound his scarf around his neck, pulled on his gloves and retrieved his coat from the stand. If Mikami’s joy faltered, if doubt and a sense of exploitation crept in to sour his belief, Light didn’t see it and for that he was grateful. He left Mikami’s apartment and closed the door behind him without looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol memories, I wrote most of this chapter during NaNoWriMo a couple years ago on my laptop while sitting in my car in the dark waiting for band practice to start. I had been dawdling about the scene and finally decided to just go for it (the best Nano method). Does anyone else find Light's selection of Teru kind of telling? Before he knows anything about him or his politics he takes one look at a handsome dude in a suit (with vaguely L-like hair) and is like, that's the one, right there. I also found the idea of Light really having to work at seducing Mikami and getting so frustrated he almost gives up kind of hilarious :D


	23. Amor et Mortem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and Ryuk review the plan.

The night beyond the house was cold and dark, hard with concrete and glittering with glass and metal. Parked cars lined the quiet street, their owners tucked away in their homes. Light stood on the curb, looking past the trees and houses of the residential neighborhood to where the city reared up, its dense black and neon buildings jagged against the orange glowing clouds of an overcast sky. It was very difficult suddenly for Light to tell himself that he was the true ruler of that sprawling civilization. He clenched his hands in his pockets and crossed the street, heading back the way he came, planning to catch a taxi home once he reached the business district.

He shouldn’t have commanded Teru to love him. It was distasteful and embarrassing to think about; it was why he had stopped himself from saying it earlier. He had known that no matter how he said them the words would come out sounding weak. A god didn’t need to be loved. 

_Tell me Light, from the moment you were born has there ever been a point where you actually told the truth?_

Light closed his eyes reflexively against the memory and stumbled slightly over a crack in the sidewalk. He put out a hand to the rough brick wall of an anonymous warehouse, steadying himself. To his horror he realized that tears were building in his chest and he gritted his teeth, covering his mouth with his hand.

_No, never, L. Even as a child I lied about everything, even when I didn’t need to, even when I wouldn’t have gotten in trouble for telling the truth._

But he wasn’t lying now. The spool was bare and the inner core, the true substance, was so much smaller than one would have expected. Slight and wooden, inextricably of the earth. It was his heart and it ached for L, who had been right all along.

A violent shiver ran through him, every hair standing on end, and Light looked up. There was a tree standing by the road and the sidewalk had begun to arch and buckle around its roots. Its needlelike branches were bare and Ryuk was perching among them. With one arm around the trunk his black tined silhouette could have been a part of the tree itself, a large cancerous mass, if it weren’t for the streetlight that glinted off of the wet yellow sclera of his protruding lidless eyes. He was silent, watching Light, who glanced around briefly to make sure they were alone before standing up a little straighter and calling out to him.

“What are you doing here, Ryuk?”

The shinigami remained silent and unmoving. Light took a step towards the tree, his hands in fists at his sides.

“You’re supposed to be at headquarters. Were you following me?”

Ryuk dropped down from the tree, his skeletal black wings opening at the last moment so that he could land softly on the sidewalk in front of Light.

“Yes,” he said simply.

Light lifted his head, gaining back some of his imperious attitude as he did so.

“For the time being I would ask that you stay at headquarters unless I expressly ask you to do something or give you permission to leave.”

The most fleeting and subtle movement of facial muscles told Light that Ryuk was amused by this. Indignation welled inside of him.

“I mean it, Ryuk. We need to make all of our moves very carefully now and you need to listen to me in order for the plan to work.”

“I know all about your careful moves, Light.”

The shinigami’s voice was low, his tone equal parts defiance and sarcasm. Light blanched inwardly but kept his expression haughty and impassive. It was very difficult to tell but Light again had the sensation that Ryuk was regarding him with a vague air of disappointment, as though he were slightly embarrassing. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

Tall and hunched, his long claw-like hands almost touching the ground on either side, Ryuk said nothing. Light sneered in disdain.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you, Ryuk. Everything I do is part of a larger plan, the full complexity of which will only be revealed once it succeeds. That day is coming soon and I know you won’t want to miss the show when it does.”

The shinigami did not respond, but continued to gaze down at Light with his large unblinking eyes and the permanent black-lipped grin carved across his face. 

“Promise?”

The word came out in a low hiss through Ryuk’s pointed teeth.

“I promise,” replied Light confidently.

Ryuk tilted his head to the side.

“So what’s going to happen to Takada and Mikami if you defeat Near?”

Light sighed, impatient.

“Obviously, _when_ I defeat Near Takada and Mikami will die, along with Misa and the rest of the task force.”

The shinigami’s facial expression did not change but his eyes lit up with a malicious gleam.

“Just checking,” he said quietly.

Light turned on his heel and began to walk away, then paused and looked over his shoulder when Ryuk didn’t follow.

“Weren’t you going to come back to headquarters with me?”

Ryuk shrugged, looking bored, and rose from the ground with a heavy beating rush of his wings. Light continued walking towards the distant river of traffic, moving from shadow to shadow with the god of death silently following him.

 

~

 

_I charge you on your souls,_  
_Do not arouse or awaken love_  
_Until it so desires,_  
_For love is as strong as death_  
_And passion fierce as the grave._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it, everybody. Interested to hear your thoughts; I can't remember the last time I actually finished a story. It wasn't until I was writing the previous scene with Mikami that I realized how I wanted this to end, what I wanted Light's arc to be. Of all the lies that Light tells, the most significant are the ones he's telling himself, and I wanted him to reach a point where he stops lying to himself, even if it's just for a second, because of course at this point it's way too late. Anyway, thanks for all of the feedback and encouragement you guys :)

**Author's Note:**

> Lol so this is mostly just some dirty fun for when I get tired of writing about good people. I'm not interested in rehashing the entire plot of Death Note, so while I'm utilizing a lot of canon the focus is more behind/between the scenes ("Augmented Canon"? Is that a thing?). As most fics do it began as an outlet for my obsessive headcanon (I legitimately believe that Light is gay, cuz srsly) and I've been enjoying it ;)


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